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Family is the most valuable thing in my heart - UT Austin topic A

Lope55816 1 / 2  
Dec 2, 2016   #1
UT Austin topic A "What was the environment in which you were raised?

This is my essay for the topic A of Applytexas, all kind of help and suggestions are gladly received, :)

Seven years ago, while I was in the living room playing my favorite videogame "Mario Kart'', I could hear how my sister was being scolded. I was very scared by my parent's shouts that I couldn't even imagine how my sister was feeling. It seemed that she had done something really bad. Later that night, I went to my sister's bedroom to make her feel better but she wasn't there. I searched all over the house but didn't found her. My parents started looking for her too, "Roxana! Roxana!", the three of us were yelling out her name but never heard a response. She had run away.

I had never seen a reaction like that in my parent's face; distraught, terrified, the look in their eyes said everything, their world was falling apart and honestly, mine too. They immediately went to the streets expecting it wasn't too late, and ordered me to stay at home. It was almost midnight and they didn't want to lose me too. The dismay that both my mom and dad showed made me realized how much they care about her, and I knew it would be the same for me.

The love from my parents has been fundamental in my growth as a person, it has made me an emotional boy. They have taught me in many ways the importance of family; one night, I was out with my friends and time flew so quickly that I didn't realize how late it was. When I looked in my phone I saw the worst nightmare of all: 15 missed calls from my mom. She and my dad were looking for me all over the neighborhood; and when they found me, obviously, I was grounded. But somehow I was happy, the way they acted was really impressive, I think that was the day when I knew that when they said, ''I'll die for you"", they meant it. They have cared too much about me that now I am someone who always will look after the people I love, that includes my sister, one of the most important persons in my life.

The uneasiness of waiting in my house while my sister was missing out there was unbearable, therefore, I disobeyed my parents and began looking for her on my own. She has been more than a sister my best friend throughout my life. I have never been a "too many friends guy", some people have rejected my friendship just because they think I'm "nerd" and for them that means weird. The few friends I encounter, became my bests friends and that's all I need. Hence, I see my sister more as one of those few best friends, and sometimes, as my second mom. Since she is two years older than me she has helped me to face experiences she has already lived and how to manage them in the best way. She is the responsible of my development as a studious and dedicated person, my premature learning of the multiplication tables at the age of four, my compromise to study before every test; summed up, she is the responsible of my academic success.

When finally I found my sister wandering alone in the streets, I ran to hug her and we both broke down into tears. When we met our parents in the house, they did the same too. Family is the most important thing in my life and I wouldn't be the person I am now without them. The academic dedication from my sister and the compromise from my parents to help other people whenever they can has pushed me to do the thing I most love now: teach outstanding younger kids in mathematics to help them excel in math Olympiads.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,031 2721  
Dec 2, 2016   #2
Hi Antonio. You have really developed a very eye opening essay here. The reviewer will find himself immersed in your tale. It helps that you did not mention an age for yourself in regards to when this event happened. Ignorance of your age at the time of the incident will work in your favor because your actions and analysis of the situation at the time will not be called into question. The overall essay relies on the strength of your family unit and the love that your parents had for their children. The story that unfolded showed the unique environment that you were raised in and how your parents use love, more than anything else, to influence the character development and sibling love between the children. Good work. This is an ideal family environment to come from.

The essay weakens a little towards the end though. That is because you suddenly inserted the story about the academic influence your sister had on you. There wasn't enough word count to allow a proper development of that environment towards the end of the essay. So I suggest that you remove that reference instead and just keep the focus of the essay on the personal relationship that you have with your parents and your sister. That is more than strong enough to represent your prompt response.
OP Lope55816 1 / 2  
Dec 2, 2016   #3
thank you very much!, I do realize the end is a little forced, i wanted to introduce an example of how i use what i learned from my family but honestly struggled in how to do it, do you have any suggestion of how to do it or maybe just erase it would be the best?
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,031 2721  
Dec 2, 2016   #4
Hi Antonio. It is always best to focus on only one aspect of the prompt requirement when you write an essay. That is so that you will not only stay within the required word count, but also present a more focused discussion of the prompt. I realize that you may have a number of personal information that you wish to share with the reviewer. However, presenting more than one piece of properly developed information is difficult when you consider that you have to merge or blend the two different topics into one fluid piece of writing. As I previously mentioned, the essay is strong and accomplishes its task even without reference to the academic influence that your sister had on you in great detail. So it would be best for you to omit that part.

You more than highlight her importance in your life and her contributions to your development both as a family member, friend, and student in paragraph 4. At that point, it still blends well with the overall essay. So there is no need for an over extended discussion of that aspect of your relationship with her. That is why I believe that you should just remove the last part of the essay that refers to her academic influence upon you.
OP Lope55816 1 / 2  
Dec 2, 2016   #5
OK, I will do that, thanks a lot!

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