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'famous for its English and Humanities' - Why Hamilton College?

last_min_girl 2 / 6  
Dec 25, 2008   #1
Hamilton College is famous for its English and Humanities. I have been looking forward to receiving a fine education typically in that area since my dream I wanted to pursue was to be a journalist for National Geography magazine. I believe that journalists own their pen as a magical mirror which reflects the real world to the readers, in order to remind, to teach and to warn. Also, I am aware of the fact that the 21st century requires the skill of being able to speak. The ability to speak in this context means to speak up, for ourselves, as well as for people living around us, who may need our loud and clear voices. If I can be luckily enrolled in Hamilton, I am sure I will benefit greatly in the next 4 years.

Another important reason why I made the decision to apply for Hamilton is because of the friendly and intensive study atmosphere. As far as I know, Hamilton College's 1800 students enjoy a small campus community that helps students create close relationships. To be a part of this pleasant and outstanding community is very attractive for me. Instead of choosing to be squeezed in the corner of a lecture room by other 1427 students in some public school, where you can hardly hear what the professor is talking about at the front, the 10-1 student/faculty ratio confirms my determination of studying in Hamilton College.

This above is only 1300 characters. I am still working hard on it! Feedbacks please...I really don't hav much time left... THANKYOU GUYS!~

zowzow 10 / 175  
Dec 26, 2008   #2
some awkward choices or words/sentences there

If I can be luckily enrolled in Hamilton

I don't think luckily should be used there, it promotes wrong values. Like you're not qualified enough but if the admissions officers are stupid enough to enroll you sort of thing.

As far as I know, this sort of connections are not very good either. Be more specific.

and the last sentence is too long. separate it if you can.

you generally seem to use a lot of commas. Maybe you should use more full stops or connecting words instead of using them so much.

your content is good though so just work on it a bit more!
OP last_min_girl 2 / 6  
Dec 26, 2008   #3
Yeah, even though the luck thing is kinda true, we can't write it in the essays, can we...lol

thank you for your feedbacks! I appreciate it a lot.

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