Moreover , we would also discuss about creating more nonprofit, micro-lending companies such as the company KIVA isn't this just a repeat of the previous sentence? I mean, you could combine them together. Instead of repeating the first half of the sentence all over again. . These companies will assist the needy people in the Third World countries such as countries in, like Africa . and other parts of the world where poverty level is extremely high.
--> Your sentences are kind of wordy.
--> I suggest putting more detail in this passage. Try making it more exciting!
POEM: Even though it is a poem, I think you are using the commas wrong at the end of each line. Some needed to be deleted or be replaced with a period.
No one can know the capability,
This comma here should be deleted.
Whatever he wants, he usually gets,
--> One sentence. Start next sentence with "However, ..."
--> I'm not sure why robyag6 says you shouldn't really start a sentence with "However"...
Regarding this, James wanted to change the life status quo of the needy.
--> huh? Do you mean, "Regarding this, James wanted to change the status quo of the lives of the needy?" Using "status quo" in this context sounds weird for some reason...haha i dont know why.
--> I don't know about this because it's not exactly original. Like you explicitly stated, this movie you created is a spin-off from Bruce / Evan Almighty...
Something to think about. Be creative, your making a movie about yourself!
I personally follow the saying "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already learned, you will never grow".
--> A problem with using quotes is that most of the time it is left in the essay to just hang there. Nothing is REALLY added to the paragraph if this quote is not explained or really used. It doesn't help to just quote it.
I consider that an undergraduate education at New York University will be the next step in my academic career,
--> One sentence
I looking look forward to
the opportunity to workworking with the highly accomplished faculties and diverse students at your this university. university
Often during summer vacations, I usually take summer classes.
--> Often during summer vacations I take (enroll, participate... whatever) summer classes.
I was in a guitar class, advanced math program and a summer swim program.
--> I was in a guitar class, advanced math program, and a swim program. (we know its in the summer..)
I really want to learn how to play the guitar. At the same time, practice my swimming strokes and excel in mathematics.
--> Try to end the paragraph differently... I don't know how else to say it.
GOOD LUCK :)