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Famous New Yorker, Poem, 2050 movie... (NYU SUPPLEMENTS)


Jamezy_d92 1 / 2  
Dec 22, 2009   #1
If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone - past or present, fictional or non-fictional - who is generally associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York City.)

Nothing will be more jubilant than spending a day in the incredible New York City with Donald Trump. Having a tour of his companies will be a breathtaking experience while receiving admonitions on how to become successful in the future. We would also discuss about forming an organization or a charity that will assist the needy. Moreover, we would also discuss about creating more nonprofit, micro-lending companies such as the company KIVA. These companies will assist the needy people in the Third World countries such as countries in Africa and other parts of the world where poverty level is extremely high. As Donald Trump said, “The purpose of life is not to be happy - but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all.”

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Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you.
No one can know the capability,
Of a life that is committed to accomplishment;
With courage and the challenge it faces,
To achieve great success in the end.
Thinking critically and positively,
By a mind that is fully committed;
Knowing the task can be done.
It's the person who never gets started,
That is destined forever to lose.
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In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line.

James Almighty, a comedy and at the same time inspirational movie about helping the needy will be a sequel to the previous movies, Bruce and Evan Almighty. James, an average man who has a wife that is amazingly beautiful with two loving kids is not satisfied with his perfect life in the United States. Whatever he wants, he usually gets, however, he yearns for more. However one day, God swap James’ life to a poor man in Africa to experience how hard life really is. James’ mind was opened to the real world and determined how hard life is for other people. Regarding this, James wanted to change the life status quo of the needy. However he doesn’t know how. God transformed James back to his own body with a promise of helping the needy. God gave James his powers and made him a God for a day. James started to change each person’s life and by the end by the end of the movie, there will be no one that lives in poverty. Every person in the world will be equal and at the same time, happy.

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Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.

My passion for computer science has become more and more evident to me as I progressed through high school. I personally follow the saying "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already learned, you will never grow". The excellent coursework and research opportunities offered by the New York University have attracted me to a great extent. Also the world-class education, and scholarships opportunity and great engineering program, for the meritorious students is an added benefit. I consider that an undergraduate education at New York University will be the next step in my academic career, and looking forward to the opportunity to work with the highly accomplished faculties and diverse students at your university

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In addition to any work you listed above, please tell us how you spent your most recent summer vacation.
Often during summer vacations, I usually take summer classes. During the past summer of 2009, I was enrolled in three classes. I was in a guitar class, advanced math program and a summer swim program. I really want to learn how to play the guitar. At the same time, practice my swimming strokes and excel in mathematics.
Josephine0411 5 / 15  
Dec 22, 2009   #2
Fantastic words!
I am also about to apply to NYU but just have no idea how to write these really short essays.
Well, can I ask u some questions?
For the third question, it says that a movie is made of my life.
What actually does it mean?
The movie is about my real life, right?
So I have to relate it to myself tightly?
Hope you can solve my doubts.
Thanks a lot.^^
robyag6 1 / 11  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
I loved your poem!

However one day, God swap James' life to a poor man in Africa to experience how hard life really is.

Just a tip.. don't start a sentence with the word "however" try to incorporate it some other way.
christiek 6 / 65  
Dec 23, 2009   #4
Moreover , we would also discuss about creating more nonprofit, micro-lending companies such as the company KIVA isn't this just a repeat of the previous sentence? I mean, you could combine them together. Instead of repeating the first half of the sentence all over again. . These companies will assist the needy people in the Third World countries such as countries in, like Africa . and other parts of the world where poverty level is extremely high.

--> Your sentences are kind of wordy.
--> I suggest putting more detail in this passage. Try making it more exciting!

POEM: Even though it is a poem, I think you are using the commas wrong at the end of each line. Some needed to be deleted or be replaced with a period.

No one can know the capability,

This comma here should be deleted.

Whatever he wants, he usually gets,

--> One sentence. Start next sentence with "However, ..."
--> I'm not sure why robyag6 says you shouldn't really start a sentence with "However"...

Regarding this, James wanted to change the life status quo of the needy.

--> huh? Do you mean, "Regarding this, James wanted to change the status quo of the lives of the needy?" Using "status quo" in this context sounds weird for some reason...haha i dont know why.

--> I don't know about this because it's not exactly original. Like you explicitly stated, this movie you created is a spin-off from Bruce / Evan Almighty...

Something to think about. Be creative, your making a movie about yourself!

I personally follow the saying "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already learned, you will never grow".

--> A problem with using quotes is that most of the time it is left in the essay to just hang there. Nothing is REALLY added to the paragraph if this quote is not explained or really used. It doesn't help to just quote it.

I consider that an undergraduate education at New York University will be the next step in my academic career,

--> One sentence

I looking look forward to the opportunity to workworking with the highly accomplished faculties and diverse students at your this university. university

Often during summer vacations, I usually take summer classes.

--> Often during summer vacations I take (enroll, participate... whatever) summer classes.

I was in a guitar class, advanced math program and a summer swim program.

--> I was in a guitar class, advanced math program, and a swim program. (we know its in the summer..)

I really want to learn how to play the guitar. At the same time, practice my swimming strokes and excel in mathematics.

--> Try to end the paragraph differently... I don't know how else to say it.

GOOD LUCK :)
OP Jamezy_d92 1 / 2  
Dec 23, 2009   #5
haha yes. it's about your life in 2050.
its basically telling what do you see yourself doing in the year 2050
OP Jamezy_d92 1 / 2  
Dec 23, 2009   #6
Thank you very much Roberto and Christie!
I appreciate it =]
Notoman 20 / 419  
Dec 23, 2009   #7
You already have some solid advice, but I'll toss in my two cents worth as well ...

New York City--strive for a little more sentence variety. Read your paragraph out loud to hear the cadence.

Poem--I think it would be stronger if you ended it on a positive note. You have such strong words, but then "lose" kind of blindsides the reader. Keep it upbeat instead of switching the focus to failure.

Movie--Take a look at a couple of movie reviews or even read the backs of some of your DVD cases. They use the literary present tense. As my English teacher always says: "Don't write that Romeo killed himself. He kills himself."

Passion--there are a lot of passive-voice verbs in this paragraph. The punctuation goes inside the quotation marks (in American English at least) and you will need colon to introduce that quote because it is a complete sentence.

Vacations--Your other writing is engaging and just needs a few tweaks, but this last piece is, sorry to say, WEAK. I know that talking about your summer vacation isn't always the most exciting, but you can do better than this. It really isn't fair for me to say that it is weak and then not give you any feedback to why I feel that way, so I will dissect the paragraph (if you don't mind) ...

Often during summer vacations, I usually take summer classes. During the past summer of 2009, I was enrolled in three classes. I was in a guitar class, advanced math program and a summer swim program. I really want to learn how to play the guitar. At the same time, practice my swimming strokes and excel in mathematics.

"Often" and "usually" are redundant. You use the word "summer" twice in the first sentence ... the reader already knows that it is summer from the prompt, and if he or she missed that, they would know from you either saying "summer vacations" or "summer classes," but they really don't need both, especially when you are dealing with such a limited word count. You use "summer" again in the next sentence and another time in the sentence after that. You really only need the word once. You use the class/es three times as well. In a piece of writing that is only about fifty words long, it is too often. "I was in a ..." is very passive and takes a lot of words to say very little. Try to punch up the verbs where you can. The verb tenses are jumping. The last sentence is not a sentence at all but a fragment.

Here is a *really* quick rewrite (done way past my bedtime), but I am hoping that it can give you a jumping-off place. I embellished in places because I don't know enough about how you spent your summer vacation to know the details, but it is those kinds of details that will help bring this last piece to life:

I have never seen summer as a time to take a break from learning, but more of an opportunity to explore my passions. In 2009, I learned to play the guitar, earned my lifeguard certification, and tackled an advanced math class at the local community college. While my friends slept past noon, I took advantage of my vacation time to learn new skills and hone the old.

I apologize if I left you feeling bashed. My intention is not to demean, but to help you see your writing through another person's eyes. It is better to be criticized here and make some adjustments than to have an unedited piece in front of the admissions personnel.

Good luck!


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