**Hey guys please help with my essay, be as critical as you want...I need all the help I can get**
university of washington essay -max 500 words promt number 1
1.The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community?
When Mbarack was asked about what is culture? He simply said, " It is the acquired pair of glasses through which we see life." My culture is of middle eastern descent, I come from a low-middle class first generation family who moved from the beautiful country of Iran for the 'american dream'. My "glasses" are the colors of Iran, red,green and white. With such a diverse heritage, I relish of the opportunity to be educated in someone else's cultural background.
My background has truly devolved who I am today. In my home only one language is spoken,Farsi. Being completely fluent in Farsi and also the ability to read the holy language of Arabic, I am able to relate to a vast majority of people. While also being a Muslim Iranian-American citizen, I am able to bring a completely different aspect of life and traditions to the University of Washington community.. With an annual income of under $26,000 and a family of six, life was very hectic and busy. I have not went one month in my high school career without a paying job. At times I would have to juggle two jobs, varsity soccer, and maintaining an acceptable grade point average. I come from a part of life where nothing is given, everything has to be earned. With the money that I've earned, nearly all of it went to my struggling parents to cover the household expenses. With this experience that life has given me, I can empathize with other students from harsh economical backgrounds; due to the fact that I am going through what they are also going through.
While in high school I had a desire to be enriched in different cultures that a simple high school history class could not provide. That is a strong reason why I decided to create the club, R.I.C.E.; religions/races in complete equality. It was in this club where I was a student in subject of world culture. In the club we had students from all types of different backgrounds. We had students from India and learned about Diwali, and also a student who recently came from working on rice paddies in the Philippines to follow his parents to America to pursue their dreams.
This desire of cultural enrichment has lead to the aspiration to study philosophy and political science because I am striving to claim a better understanding of why my homeland of Iran has continued to fall under the influence of war, and how to relieve Iran from inhumane conflicts.
You clearly have a lot going for you in this essay but it would help if you did a bit more "showing" rather than "telling." I recommend throwing in an anecdote that actually illustrates your culture or one of the hardships you have overcome.
Also, I'd leave out the phrase "American dream." It's up to you, but it seems very overused in essays these days especially for those who have immigrated from other countries. Try showing what this American dream means to you and your family.
Overall, I think it's written well with a few grammar mistakes here and there. I would have a teacher proofread it.
