Fascinated by the business world (Ryerson essay)

Hello everyone

I'm going to apply for Business Management program in Ryerson uni. So I have to submit an essay. Below is the essay that I have written. Please check this essay for grammatical errors and give me suggestions to improve it.

I was greatly fascinated by the business world since my childhood. It was because I grew up in a business-minded family; they were role models to me. I learned valuable lessons from them, especially from my father, who explained to me how the business ran such as merchandising, interpersonal relationship and business ethics. Moreover, he told me that businessmen play a significant role in the development of our society by providing employment to thousands of people in their huge organizations. Our society would have been an undeveloped one without their massive contribution. Hearing all these, I was greatly motivated to become a businessman in future so that I can earn profit for myself as well as take part in the development of our society.

I knew this was not so easy to achieve without good understanding of the business concepts. So, I decided to indulge myself in all the activities that would help me gain business knowledge. From then onwards, I was interested in watching business news channels and reading business columns in the newspapers and magazines. Moreover, I took courses related to business in my O and A-level exams including Commerce and Accounting. Eventually, I was able to pass my exams with satisfying grades which directed me to learn more about the business in real life; in real situation.

In addition to studies, I have been working part-time in a travel agency to enhance my knowledge about the real business world. The important things that I learned there are interpersonal relationship skills and public relations in detail. Almost everyone there is satisfied with my working condition. Also, sometimes I help my father in his retail shop by performing fairly significant tasks like bookkeeping and collecting data. All these experiences have well prepared me to learn in a good university like Ryerson.

I have chosen Ryerson University to study "Business Management" program for a number of reasons. Firstly, Ryerson has distinctive undergraduate program that combines theory with real-world experience, and in such a program I will be able to transform myself into a business marvel. Moreover, I will be able to get a job very quickly and easily after I graduate, because, statistically speaking, more than 94% of Ryerson's students are employed within six months after graduation. Also, this program, taught by highly qualified faculty members boasting years of experience in teaching 'Business Management', will surely provide me with the highest quality education. Therefore, I can say that I have chosen the best university to pursue my undergraduate program and I am sure I will have a bright future after graduating from this university.

As a reader, I want to stop reading right there. "I was" is boring, and "greatly fascinated" tells me this is somebody who exaggerates, since "fascinated" is very strong on its own.

Here are the verbs from your next sentences:
It was because
they were
learned, explained, told (OK, but not great)
our society would

Your next to last paragraph begins with "I have been..."

You last paragraph begins with "I have chosen..."

In short, while you may be fascinated by business, your essay does not convey that fascination. It is dull because its verbs are dull. Use action verbs and active voice to convey your sense of business as a fascinating subject.

forgive me, but your last paragraph is like an ad.


i think you should focus more on your interest in business rather that the employment rate.

Your essay is too honest. You grew up in a business oriented family, and so are pursuing a career in business. Ryerson grads have an easy time finding a job, so that seems like as good a place as any for you to attend. You do not say, though the reader is likely to assume, that Ryerson is also fairly close to where you live. I know it has a reputation for being a bit easier to get into than many other universities. So yes, like many students the course of your early life is shaped by your family's desires and proclivities, and your choice of university by where you think you can get in combined with the job-finding value you believe a degree from the institution offers.

I suppose, one day, this will be what admissions officers actually look for in an entrance essay, but for now, the notion that students should be passionate about their subject matter for its own sake still holds sway.

Is there a prompt for this essay?

I ask because your essay sounds like an autobiography of all the small details in your life that relate to business. Some things like reading newspaper articles or TV features on business-related topics, or holding a part-time job (most "jobs" can be considered a business...) aren't incredibly impressive.

Is there a certain thing you did that describes the "great fascination" you mention, or something powerful you've witnessed that could believably be awe-inspiring enough to establish the fascination?

I also agree; the last paragraph makes your motives sound very self-serving, a much different objective than what you previously identified (advancing society and giving people jobs and such). Maybe you should talk less about how Ryerson will give YOU the finest education, or ensure YOUR future as a business marvel, and more about what you plan to do with that success.

But if the prompt is to go over the factors in your life that have led you to your decision, the essay could conceivably be okay, which is why I ask what the prompt is.