Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 7

fascinated by computers, to use my creative and imaginative thinking


waqar 1 / 3  
Jan 8, 2011   #1
i have written this for my application.. as english is my second language i think there are still many mistakes here.. i would greatly appreciate it if you would proof read it.. thanks.. i also have cut down on words as much as possible...

Throughout my 13 years of education I have always been fascinated by computers. I have enjoyed studying A-levels computing, and it was through this coursework that I was able to learn Visual Basic, which is now a very important part of my life. I enjoy a very good teacher-student relationship with my computer teacher and he was the one who pushed me to pursue in this field. Apart from computing I also like math and I have always relished the opportunity to apply it in real life problems.

My interest in computing and math has not been limited with the classroom exercises, but I also was an active member of the computer society at school. Moreover, I participated in the Bahria College Project Competition, where I designed a program entirely on Q-Basic and won the third place in the competition through my diligence and pure determination. I like to spend my spare time watching the Discovery channel and reading cyber magazines which help me to learn about different technological and scientific advancements.

During my summer holidays I joined Askari Bank and did an internship in its online banking branch. Here I learned the actual processes that go behind all the transactions. I also learned and implemented my knowledge in practice.

Apart from academics I have always liked to take responsibilities, as I was the President of my school's Social Work Society in the year 2009-2010. I am also a sports enthusiast; I enjoy playing football and cricket. I believe that sports play a very pivotal part in shaping one's character. It not only teaches self-discipline, team work and determination, but also polishes the leadership qualities of a person. I am a member of my college football team and also captain the local football team. In the recent floods in Pakistan I tested my managerial ability (as I enjoy taking up challenges), and organized a football tournament through which I was able to gather about Rs 20,000 for the flood victims.

The purpose of computers is to assist humans and ease their work. This is the reason why the use of computers is increasing so much everyday. I wish to use my creative and imaginative thinking to develop such technologies so that they will benefit the people and the planet.
anuarbek95 7 / 17  
Jan 9, 2011   #2
The second paragraph:

My interest in computing and math has not been limited with the classroom exercises, but I also was an active member of the computer society at school. Moreover, I participated in the Bahria College Project Competition, where I designed a program entirely on Q-Basic and won the third place in the competition through my diligence and pure determination. I like to spend my spare time watching the Discovery channel and reading cyber magazines which help me to learn about different technological and scientific advancements.

This is how this should be.
I think you need to improve your grammar and alter your sentence structures.
I see you've worked a lot in your school, good luck.
Try to revise the other paragraph and I'll take a look.
bordumb 1 / 5  
Jan 9, 2011   #3
I enjoy a very good teacher-student relationship with my computer teacher and he was the first one to push me to pursue that field.

phrased like "it is he..." are kind of fluffy and sound like Yoda, so they'd good to avoid.
Other than that, it sounds pretty good. I did some programming in college, wasn't my thing, but to each his own and good luck with everything.
OP waqar 1 / 3  
Jan 9, 2011   #4
thank you ANUAR ALSHANBAYEV

and
thankyou Brian Deely

..
anuarbek95 7 / 17  
Jan 10, 2011   #5
You are welcome, Wagar.
We are looking forward to see your second draft, and I'll try to look and revise it as I did the second paragraph as soon as I have time.

Good luck
Serendipitous 1 / 3  
Jan 10, 2011   #6
I totally agree with "anuarbek95"
You have done a great job in your academic life "waqar", I appreciate your enthusiasm and work for society. I think that it must be better if you can translate your precious experience into a better English.

In my opinion, I believe that your paragraph about your internship program in Askari Bank is the strongest part of this essay as it shows the idea of knowledge into practice. I appreciate it very much and I think that it might be better if you can elaborate it.

PS.
(I'm sorry but I don't think that I'm not a good English user who can perfectly polish your grammar here)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 4, 2011   #7
to learn Visual Basic, which is now a very important part of my life.

Oh! Solid! This is a pretty solid intro. It is simple and powerful.

I enjoy a very good teacher-student relationship with my computer teacher and he was the one who pushed me to pursue in this field. --ask yourself if this sentence really helps to achieve your purpose... to inspire the reader.

Apart from computing I also like math and I have always relished the opportunity to apply it in real life problems.
--This should not be the last sentence of the first paragraph. It should be the first sentence of the second paragraph. At the end of the first paragraph, you should have a THESIS STATEMENT.

:-)


Home / Undergraduate / fascinated by computers, to use my creative and imaginative thinking