Hi everyone, I am applying to Middlebury college for fall transfer. I am an international student and English is not my first language, therefore, I expect some grammatic mistakes. Please help me to correct them. Is the length alright? its 389 words now.
Thanks.
Prompt is" What are the reasons for transfer and what objectives are u hoping to achieve?"
Although doing my first year of undergraduate from NTIC in England has broaden my horizons through cultural diversity and better standard of education than home, I always felt something was amiss. Living so far-off from home and spending well over what my family was comfortable with, I was not able to achieve as much from my time in England as anticipated. In my second semester, I instigated addressing the discontent I was feeling, and found out the explanations to be that I was not being fully stretched by the lecturers and academic curriculum, the erratic nature of the British weather as compared to that at home, the economics department of my college was not one of its best and majoring from there did not seem to be an attractive selection, and financial burden of the tuition fees without any financial aid or scholarship from my college. Having felt the need for complete change, I conducted a long search of colleges in the United States and concluded that Middlebury College is the best match for my interests.
What I am seeking in a college is that it should be prestigious enough for me to feel honored to be a part of it; it should have a student body size which makes me feel neither secluded nor congested, and allows a meaningful teacher and student interaction; be located in a city which does not provide too many distractions for students, but still fulfills the everyday requirements; offers financial assistance to deserving students regardless of their nationality. Fortunately, Middlebury has all these characteristics. Furthermore, Economics department at Middlebury is one of the most acclaimed amongst all liberal arts colleges and has all the resources to satisfy my appetite for the subject. Moreover, Middlebury is an outstanding example of a college that endorses diversity by selecting its students from different cultures, races and financial backgrounds, therefore creating a superior educational environment.
My fascination with economics arises from its ability to act as a bridge between human psychology and economic world. A degree in economics from Middlebury will put me in right direction to achieve my lifelong ambition of ameliorating the economy of my country. Hopefully, after admission, I will be able to benefit from the exceptional enlightening opportunities offered at Middlebury and contribute to the diversity, prestige and extracurricular activities of the college.
I THINK YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY MENTION WHAT COUNTRY YOU COME FROM, IT WILL MAKE THE ESSAY MORE PERSONAL. ALSO, YOU SAY A LOT OF NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT THE SCHOOL SYSTEM IN THE UK - TRY THROWING A COUPLE OF POSITIVE THINGS IN AS WELL, BUT MENTION THAT THEY WEREN'T ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU STAY. IF YOU COULD HELP ME WITH MY ESSAY ON BEING A REBEL NERD I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!! I DON'T NEED GRAMMATICAL HELP, JUST GENERAL ADVICE ABOUT WHAT WORKS AND WHAT DOESNT. THANKS!
imnotdreaming
How do you know? :-)
...and
a better standard of education than the standard at home, I always ...
What I am seeking
in a college is that it should be is a college prestigious enough for me to feel honored to be a part of it; it should have ...
neither secluded nor congested---Wow., you write so well, it is hard to believe English is not your first language! You write very, very well.
I think you should, if you use this essay again in the future, change the last sentences of the first and last paragraph. End those 2 important paragraphs with sentences that express an interesting, memorable concept. What CONCEPT is central to your decision to transfer. Readers love abstract concepts to think about as they interpret your ideas.
iEF_Kevin
mnotdreaming:
imnotdreaming
How do you know? :-) LOL, actually I think I am dreaming. You write very, very well: Really?? Thanks a lot for your help. Do u think this essay is good enough?
I showed my essay to a tutor and she replied, "I am sorry to say that the tone you have adopted in the essay is going to come across as very pompous and offensive to the college. In the first part you are objecting to the weather in UK. Have you investigated the weather in Middlebury? It is equally cold and snowy in winter. In the second paragraph you are saying that the college should be prestigious enough for you to feel honored to go there. This is rather badly put. What you are doing is thinking in Urdu and transposing it into English and it doesn't come across right. In my opinion the essay is not usable. I cannot correct it as the reasoning and thought is not pleasing. Please try to write another essay with a different approach and thought".
What do you think I should so? Write a new one or modify this one?
Thanks Again.
You absolutely can modify this one. That tutor may be right about something... the part about the weather does not help.
But when I say you should add a memorable concept, I am talking about making it so that the essay expresses your desire to achieve goals based on what you care about -- goals based on your values.
And let's not say we want a college that is prestigious enough and the correct size, and blah blah blah... that stuff is not meaningful. I think that part is what made the tutor dislike the essay.Instead of saying that vague stuff, tell the reader that you are looking for the college that will best initiate you into the fields of expertise that interest you.
The most impressive student is a person with a dream, a goal, a great aspiration. If you told one aspiration -- to share with the nation your concepts of Economic Behavioral Psychology, for example -- the reader will never forget you. The concept will make the reader say, "Oh, yes, I rememeber the kid who is writing about "Economic Behavioral Psychology."
Kevin - Thanks for your reply. I understand what you are saying and will modify my essay accordingly!
