I want to make it flow more smoothly and some grammar help would be great. I'm also at a bit of a loss of what to put for a strong concluding sentence. Please critique. Thank You.
Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
This was it, the moment I had waited fifteen one-hour long episodes for. Gu Jun Pyo was finally going to confess his undying affection for Geum Jan Di. My back hunched over as I leaned in toward my computer monitor, clutching the blanket I had wrapped around me in anticipation. While rapidly running my eyes over the miniscule sized English subtitles, I seemed to have unconsciously rolled my desk chair forward to the point where my face was nearly pressed into the fluorescent screen. Finally, Gu Jun Pyo had run into the crowd of businessmen and dropped down on one knee in front of the flabbergasted Geum Jan Di. A giddy grin cracked my own facial expression as I continued awaiting the overdue confession. Just as the male protagonist opened his mouth to confess, my bedroom door abruptly swung open to reveal my parents. If my tawny cheeks were capable of blushing, I'm sure they would have flamed in embarrassment at that moment. I had just been caught indulging in my most secretive pleasure: watching foreign dramas.
After the room's new occupants caught wind of the foreign audio coming from the computer speakers, my relatives settled incredulous stares upon me as if I had grown another head. My parents, being from a lower class African-American dominated area of South Florida, could not fathom why their daughter would want to dedicate so much of her time to watching television in a language not native to home.
To me, language represents the universal crux that connects mankind across this vast expanse of the globe. While many view not understanding a language as a barrier between cultures, I see it as a unifying extension of the rich diversity offered by the amalgamation of people in our global society. In fact, the circumnavigation of culture across the world can be attributed to the diffusion of verbal and non-verbal forms of language.
Eventually, my family found my fascination with foreign dramas less unusual. It became the norm to hear Indian dance music emanating from the Malayalam drama I was enamored with, or the Korean pop music that played loudly at the climax of each Korean drama. No longer feeling embarrassed for my unusual preferences, my interest in foreign dramas soon progressed into an interest in international politics. Spurred by the exhilarating thoughts of venturing into foreign environments, I longed to climb over the fence that once bound my thoughts.
I now aspire to contribute to the establishment of a stronger mutual understanding of the cultural diversity within the United States as well as other nations. I would like to prove wrong the hegemonic influence of American pop culture that continues to render Americans superficial. Only with talented, young leaders willing to contribute to a "show, don't tell" approach, can we illustrate that the glamorized lifestyle suggested by Hollywood, fame, and fortune is not universal for all Americans.
I didn't manage to catch any mistakes. Gramatically, the essay is sound.
In terms of flow, I loved the anecdote you started your essay with. I thought for sure you would end up falling out of your chair or something when your parents walked in. However, I thought that the third paragraph sounded suddenly didactic. I don't quite understand your argument about language, how it isn't a cultural barrier or how American pop culture is belittling. From my knowledge, diversity often results from isolation. The only cultures that tend to diffuse are ones that are universal ones (religion, technology, philosophy).
However, it's good that you express your own beliefs about human geography (or however you might classify your opinions haha!) and merely use foreign dramas as your uniting motif. Just be sure the ideas are not too distracting and try to explain them clearly. Otherwise, this was a terrific essay.
