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'I fashioned some moves of my own' - UC essay prompt#1


PurpleBear 2 / 6  
Nov 7, 2011   #1
Prompt 1 answer:
If identical twins are separated at birth and are raised by two different families, they might still look alike but their personalities are poles apart. The people who you grow up with are hence an important aspect in your life. They not only guide you through the mysteries of life, they mold you into the person you are today.

If I could describe my family in a single word, it would be Fudge. This might be a peculiar choice, but it defines them perfectly- mostly sweet but with a few nuts. It has always been the three of us -my sugary sweet mother, my nutty elder brother and me.

I constantly drew inspiration from them. In fact, when I was younger, I was so eager to follow the footsteps of my brother that I mirrored his every move! I would sometimes wear his old uniform and follow him to school. I usually didn't make it all the way; my mother would always catch me and drag me back into the house. Since then I was in love with the idea of going to school, of reading books, doing homework and learning new things just like he did. When I was finally old enough to go to school, I remember, on the first day I was probably the only kid in my kindergarten class who wasn't clinging to their parents crying their lungs out, begging them not to leave. I had a huge smile on my face and immense satisfaction in my heart as I waved goodbye to my mother and entered the classroom.

Inquisitiveness, Independence, Hard-work, Perseverance; these are some of his qualities that rubbed off on me. He also showed me the joy of learning. Now I don't follow all his moves. I fashioned some moves of my own. Just like how during DNA replication, a daughter DNA strand is formed using the parent DNA as a template; I used my brother's path as a base on which I have started to build my future. His love for computers made me want to find my passion. That was the hard part. I knew I wanted to do something to change the world, to make it a better place. However, what that was, I didn't know yet .Then one day in the 11th grade during biology class, we were learning about microscopic beings like the virus and prions. I was completely fascinated by how these insignificant entities could manipulate and destroy an entire human body over a short period of time. I found myself drawn to study them in clearer detail. But the lack of facilities and opportunities available to me was a major obstacle. Nevertheless, my determination never faltered for I have finally found my passion.

If it wasn't for my brother's constant instigation or my mother's unrelenting love and support, I would probably turn out to be a very different person than I am today. A person I'd rather not be. As Jane Howard rightly said, "Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe or call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."

Please be ruthless and tell me how i can improve the essay!
thank you!
pavanjot 2 / 4  
Nov 7, 2011   #2
very nice, particularly like the quote and how it ties in :). you should check mine out
karthik21 2 / 4  
Nov 7, 2011   #3
This sentence looks weird to me: "The people who you grow up with are hence an important aspect in your life"

No offence but I cant remember anything even from my 5 grade. I don't know how you remember it. You also mention that what you used to do before you first time went o school which means you remembered what happened to you even got 3 years which is doubtable. I know this is offensive but I want to tell you that if it is a lie, don't ever mention it. If it was correct, then it's awesome. I think it has some grammatical errors. Check out those by taking it your english teacher. I am also applying to UC and good luck
OP PurpleBear 2 / 6  
Nov 8, 2011   #4
Thanks for your opinions! :)

And no its not a lie. My mother narrates this story to everyone who visits and we all have a good laugh. And though I don't remember everything from my childhood in clear detail either, I faintly remember this happening. My English teacher seemed a little busy so I had to use the internet. :(

So thanks again! Hope you get accepted!

Good Luck! :)
karthik21 2 / 4  
Nov 8, 2011   #5
what do you think I will get in TOEFL for this essay


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