Looking for some feedback on my common app essay. Applying to many top schools (HYSP and Brown) and LACs (Amherst, Williams, Swarthmore). Thanks!
The Fat Kid On the Swim Team
There are few things in life as absurd and unexpected as a 250-pound high school student in a tight Speedo preparing to dive into an icy pool. As he hits the water, the huge splash soaks the timer on deck. Children squeal and onlookers gasp. And yet as ridiculous as I know it looks, this is me, four months out of every year.
Being a member of the Andover High School swim team has been an exercise in perseverance. In middle school, the head coach wrote me off before I ever dove into the pool. She saw a fat kid and made a judgment based on appearance alone. Luckily, a young assistant coach looked beyond my stomach and allowed me the opportunity to compete. To the surprise of spectators, coaches, my parents and even myself, I wasn't half bad. As my father overheard at a parent meeting; "he's pretty fast for a big guy."
However, I was not quite prepared for the intensity and commitment of high school varsity athletics. My weight made dry-land exercises and swim workouts painfully difficult. During my first year, there were moments when I felt that swimming one more lap would be unbearable. Encouraged by the support of my teammates and family, I decided to stick with the team. Without a doubt, that was the best decision I made during my high school career.
Our swim team has a very different ambiance than other high school sports teams. There are no cuts, no one gets benched, and there is no first string. Everyone has the opportunity to participate and strive to improve on their previous best times. Although it is a team sport, one's success is largely individual. Achieving a personal best time is just as important as a team victory. Because of these unique attributes, the swim team attracts a very diverse group of athletes. Our team encompasses the entire spectrum of high school students; ranging from me, the fat kid, to Joe, the champion, to Alex, the Special Olympics competitor with Down syndrome. The environment of acceptance helped me find a place to develop as an athlete and a human being.
I am perfectly comfortable promoting the school musical or an upcoming band performance in the locker room. In fact, chances are my teammates are either involved, or plan to attend. We also take pride in our academic achievement with a team grade point average that was highest in the state. Only in the swim locker room can you witness philosophical discussion, culinary critiques, and an occasional rendition of the Lion King's "Circle of Life", all during the course of one shower.
Of the multitude of lessons learned from swim team, not a single one has been determined by winning a race. The end result is insignificant when compared to the process. I may never qualify for the state meet, or for that matter, even win first place in a race. In fact, I have swum in lane two (one of the slower lanes) for almost my entire high school swimming career. Yet, the importance of sportsmanship and teamwork has forever been engrained in me. I am reminded of a meet in which Alex misunderstood the length of his race. After two laps of a four lap race, he stopped. The entire team cheered for him to continue and erupted in celebration when he finished the race, and not in last place, either.
While the meets are certainly the focus of the team, the bulk of our time together is spent in intense and often tedious training. However, the work ethic I developed from 6:00 AM, weekend, and winter break practices is invaluable. This past season, my efforts began to pay off. Inspired by my grandmother's sixty pound weight loss, I changed my dietary habits and the results were astounding. At the season's conclusion, I was the 210-pound swimmer diving into the pool. While still "overweight," the forty-pound difference improved my times dramatically and gave me a sense of accomplishment I had never felt before. And, at the end of the year, I was honored to be elected a team captain for the 2010-2011 season. Despite my lack of natural athleticism and fitness, I am inspired by the respect I have gained from my peers. My weight may inhibit record-breaking times, but, in the end, it will not define me.
This is perfect. This essay is full of wisdom, and the title is excellent... it's like... a real demonstration of not only excellent writing but also of an excellent way of living. MAny factors affect whether people are fat or thin, and it is heroic of you to set an example for others who may lack such confidence.
Our team encompasses the entire spectrum of high school students -- ranging from ...
I changed a semi-colon to a dash. Look up the rules on uses of semi-colons and dashes. I think you may be technically correct, but I think a dash is better.
And here is a comma problem:
My weight may inhibit record-breaking times, but in the end it will not define me.---- no need for those extra commas.
Check out Strunk and White. You write very well. I'm really happy to have been able to offer these little suggestions. Good luck with your applications; please continue participating her if you have time!! By the way, I am pretty confident that lifting weights at 210 will turn all of that into muscle. Lifting tones your muscles and causes them to constantly burn calories.
I think this essay was very well written.
I can't really pick out any glaring grammar mistakes, but the essay title is catchy. The syntax and diction are not too complicated and vary enough to make it interesting without interrupting the flow of the essay.
The ending sentence is brilliant, kind of sticks in the reader's mind "but in the end, it will not define me." About that last sentence, I think a comma after 'but' is redundant.
Good job, and good luck!
So I'm having some conflict over the closing sentence. Because the essay isn't really about defining myself, my brother thinks it doesn't belong. And even if it was, I have in a way defined myself as the fat kid.
So, I was thinking of maybe replacing it with "will not limit me"
Or, changing the whole thing and saying "No, I did not break records; yet, the value of the experience is not diminished."
Your thoughts?
