Hi guys, I need help with my CALS essay. As you can see English isn't my first language, so my essay contains a lot of grammatical errors. Any advice, feedback and suggestions which can help me improve my essay is appreciated :) Thank you :)
How have your interests and related experiences influenced the major you have selected in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences? (Please limit your response to 650 words.)
I took a step closer towards the warung near my house - a Bahasa term for the shabby, coconut-frond weaved kiosk in front of me. Hung from the ceiling and laid across a table is an assortment of various preservative-filled flour chips and brightly-colored tartrazine-containing fizzy drinks. Soon after, a bunch of local kids stormed the place, merrily bought and ate these cheaply-sold nibbles and tidbits without the slightest knowledge about the horrifying amount of toxic chemicals added to them callously by the cold-hearted food capitalists of Indonesia. It is very heart-breaking to see how most of the large packaged-food corporates abuses the lack of knowledge and low-income earning of the working class- a majority in this nation. Through displaying an untrue degree of their products' healthiness in TV commercials, these big corporates coaxes the working class to consume these chemically-hazardous based products for the corporate's personal gain of maximizing their profit, while incrementally and drastically harming the health of these innocent consumers. Knowing that the healthy grain-raisin bars and freshly-prepared frozen yoghurts are off these people's limits due to their expensive, import-taxed prices, these big Indonesian food companies' produces and offers detrimental substitutes which are affordable by the low-income earning consumers. None of these major companies specifically strive to design and concoct healthy yet affordable processed food products available for the consumption of Indonesia's working class. Hence, from a very young age I have dreamed big to become Indonesia's pioneering entrepreneur in setting up a food company that produces economical yet healthy snacks which can be enjoyed by all people.
Staying strong with my dream has become a challenge, as people looked at me with incredulity upon the possibility of it happening. But through my intensive studies in IB Economics, and my hobby of reading local economic articles regarding Indonesia's aggregate food industry, I came to know that with utilizing locally supplied raw materials ranging from the premium quality seaweeds cultivated in the coast-lines of Bali and Lesser Sunda Islands to the unique sago starch extracted from the pith of the endemic plant Metroxylon Sagu found in the tropical forests of Moluccas and New Guinea, I can produce reasonably priced, superior-quality snacks.
My overwhelming passion in food biochemistry led me to take rigorous courses of IBDP Higher Level Chemistry and Biology. Tagged along with ardently-conducted researches on citric acids concentrations of Kintamani oranges and sugar levels of Indonesian company-processed mango juices, this zeal further developed my background knowledge and instilled my inquisitiveness in the technicalities of food manufacturing and management.
By creating a massive-scaled industry focusing on manufacturing healthy and affordable food products using locally available raw materials, I can empower many families by opening new fields of employment, and significantly improve this nation by producing cheap but healthy snacks for everybody's enjoyment. For I believe that the fate of a nation lies in their diet! But in order to fulfill it I have to find the perfect learning environment to become the social food entrepreneur of this country.
Fortunately, Cornell University's Food Science major provides the option for learning the Food Operations and Management. I can focus more on learning the applied business and management skills required to set up and maintain a processed-food factory and business, while still learning technical aspects of food manufacturing. Knowing that my goals are aligned with Cornell's aim of making affordable and nutritious food supply, Cornell University will provide the supportive environment for achieving our mutual goal.
Thus, I believe that Cornell University would provide the essential knowledge in innovating healthy snacks from new crop-sources and applying the related economics and business management on the field of food industry. The incorporation of the fields of economics and science pertaining to food has made Cornell the perfect fit in helping me fulfill my calling.
Jeremy, this essay is quite good. But the introduction is too long and needs to be cut down. The hook that you are using is too wordy when it should not be. It would be nice of you could revise the paragraph to contain less of your commentary about the food manufacturing ills of Indonesia and instead, focus it on a story when you came to realize that you needed to do something about the problem of processed food proliferation in the market. From the very beginning, you already need to establish the fact that you are looking towards a career in natural food production through food biochemistry. Don't place that at the very end. It is best for your essay if the reviewer immediately knows the purpose, reason, and driving factors that have combined to create your career path.
You can actually better introduce yourself and the response to your prompt if you limit the story about the kids buying from your store and immediately follow it up with the paragraph about :
Fortunately, Cornell University's Food Science major provides the option for learning the Food Operations and Management.
Talking about the relationship between your plans and Cornell University will help the reviewer gain a better understanding of how you plan to utilize the university offerings in order to meet your career goals. So rather than projecting that as a minor detail in your essay (since you placed it almost at the very end) you should highlight it as part of your opening statement.
Basically, if you rearrange your essay paragraphs, you will be able to strengthen the way that you present your essay and also bring your word count down to a more acceptable level. From the point of view of a reviewer, I really don't see why you need 631 words to tell me the most important aspects of your response. I see only a few of your paragraphs as being in direct response to the prompt.
Paragraph 2 does not really tell of any strong influence on your part. It just sounds so trivial the way you have the paragraph set up at the moment and the way you spoke of this influence is not as strong as it should be. My belief is that you can just skip that part and bring paragraph 3 up instead to take its place. Doing that will show the direct relationship between your future academic and career plans and your previous academic experiences. By establishing that you are simply taking on the next steps towards achieving your career, you will be able to profile yourself as someone who has devoted his life to the pursuit of your goal, that of providing your countrymen with better food and employment.
So, if you just rearrange the essay for now and address the parts that I mentioned above, I feel that your essay will be able to present your ideas in a stronger manner and also help you to better respond to the prompt. Any grammar corrections can wait until after we have finalized the content of your essay.
