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Fate of a responsible man. - common app essay

filemonster 1 / -  
Dec 22, 2011   #1
Since I know this essay is poor worded and has many grammatical errors, please review just its composition.

Summer vocation; this word conveys joviality, adventure, experience, even sadness and more. But, for me, it was the most detestable period of time of the year. Every summer, my parents used to desert me and my sister to the land of solitude. Far away from my peers, I had no one to talk to, but five cows and six calves. Basically, I was a farmer in summer, and a student other times; that is technically identical to Princess Fiona, not going home till the very first golden leaf hit the ground.

Every day of a farmer is the same: working all day long. After waking up early in the morning, I used to move a herd of cows to the mountainside where they feed on in order to produce sufficient milk for their outgrowing calves. I always had ambivalent feelings, during that walk towards mountain: I felt that cool, fresh air passing through my nose and penetrating into my lungs, also beholding a spectacular view of the high mountains is really soothing. If I had drawing talent, undoubtedly, I would have spent all day there, drawing that impressive natural formation. On the other hand, getting up at 5am every day is incontrovertibly annoying for an ordinary teenager.

My grandma, who is extremely obdurate and intractable, always resisted selling her cows. Five years ago, a tough flood occurred nearly to our summer-camp; Because of that deed, my grandma went to take back her cows, before they had gotten into the flood. Although, she saved her beloved cows, her legs worsened till she couldn't walk normally without stick. Surprisingly, it wasn't influential enough to change her mind about cattle.

One day, early in the morning, grandma's stern voice like a firemen car's signal woke me up from my sweet dream and left me muddled. After her urgent call, I and my sister dressed up like a soldier being called to battle. Then grandma said us to insulate, from the cows, the calves, which are following their mothers to the mountain. We rushed to cease that inappropriate incident and ended up with everything was fine, except for the calves eating within someone's ranch which is full of fresh grass and just what all herbivores want. Since it's a personal estate, we entered in order to take our rebellious calves back home. Pursuing them to take out through a tiny gap was a real disaster. After few minutes of struggling, a big black dog suddenly emerged and ran towards us. I held her hand and ran as fast as possible. After losing her hand, I felt like the dog was right behind, so I whipped it with a piece of wood. Thought about my sister flashed into my mind in a fleeting moment.

Seeing her slipped and her eyes with full of sorrow gazing me was the most touchy thing I've ever faced. That incident made me consider myself as a betrayer and tear a shed spontaneously. Obviously, she had been considering me as a one who defends her all the time with no hesitation, since I'm her only sibling. However it did happen, I'm still her defender and one who will hold her hand forever.

jonjojonjo 4 / 9  
Dec 22, 2011   #2
you're welcome to say it's awful.
jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
You have a great story, but still could be developed a bit more to pack the punch I know this can deliver.
Turn up the volume on the description- don't just limit it to using adjectives. Remember show don't tell.

Hope this helps

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