Does it sound choppy? How should i end it?
Father-Daughter relationships have always been complex.
My father came here from the slums of China nineteen years ago. Coming to the U.S. was the perfect opportunity for him to establish a new life, away from communist tyranny. Coming to the U.S. was like salvation for my father, who was tired of being oppressed, brainwashed and manipulated.
I am Chinese-American; a combination of my father's goals, dreams and morals spiced up with American culture and teenage angst. In his attempt me to shape me into the perfect daughter; my father has distanced himself from me. This distance created difference, and this difference has resulted in war. My adolescence has been a battle between American and Chinese, new and old, and more importantly, between father and daughter. It has been an everyday struggle.
We've all heard of the "When I was your age" speeches. After hearing them countless times from my father, I began to disregard them. I'd always say, "We're NOT in the Old Country anymore; we're in a new country in new age with new morals." Yet, my father kept telling me these stories in an attempt to make me feel obsolete. In order to shield my self, I always tried to ignore his stories, but recently Father has been just stating what's wrong with me. Therefore, I began retaliating.
"Why can't you ___? I was never this lazy at your age," he would always say.
And I would snap back.
"Why don't you ever praise me?"
"Why did I have to be born into the lower class?"
"Why do you push me so much!? If you expect so many things from me, then I should expect just as much from you!"
What happened to the relationship we had when I was a child? I was Daddy's Little Girl and my dad loved every little thing I did. Since I entered Middle School, my father became more and more outrageous. Our arguments have become more irrational and it's at the point where we are just blind shooting. Once my father yelled at me to the point of breakdown because he didn't like my handwriting. One time I yelled at my father when he asked me to translate the phone bill; such small things could set us off. Both of us were crumbling.
Thanks in advance!
Me and my father finally reconciled :] It was when we started giving each other a chance.
I think it's a very good essay! And no, I don't believe it's too choppy; it's good to alternate shorter sentences with longer ones. Here are some editing suggestions:
In his attempt [delete me] to shape me into the perfect daughter;
we're in a new country in a new age with new morals."
Since I entered middle school, my father has become more and more outrageous. [Or, if he no longer is outrageous, say, "After I entered middle school, my father became more outrageous."]
I think you should end it by describing how you reconciled. What caused you to start giving each other a chance? Was there one particular incident that stood out as a turning point? If not, describe some smaller incidents that helped the healing begin. End on a positive note.
I think that your writing technique is interesting and unique. I'm not sure what the prompt was, but I think it would be better to show a change that occurred in your relationships. The problem is obvious, but I think the colleges would like to see how you overcame that obstacle. Although it does a good job of portraying your relationship with your father, I believe you should make that reflect on your personality a little bit more. The colleges want to know more about you through your essays, and I guess the way this essay ends makes it seem like you did not do anything to resolve the issue. Make sure it reflects a positive view of who you are!
Your essay reads very fluent, and interesting. But I can't get your point after reading. You just want to describe the different opinions between you and your father? I totally agree with tofu that you add something.
The essays only seems halfway completed. Like tofu said, you must state how you overcame your obstacle, and how it has changed you as an individual. The essay states the problem, but it doesn't tell me anything about who you are. You mentioned that you and your father reconciled, but how did it happen? What triggered the change? How has this feud between you and your father influenced you, and has it motivated you in any way? Your essay seems like just a prolonged dispute between you and your father, but I'm sure it's more than that. Your writing skills are very unique, and what you have so far is very capturing to the reader, but, i was left asking for more. I think you need to incorporate more of your story into the essay. These are just some suggestions. Good luck.
We've all heard the "When I was your age" speeches.
I'd always say, "We're NOT in the Old Country anymore; we're in a new country in a new age with new morals."
In order to shield myself, I always tried to ignore his stories, but recently Father has just been stating what's wrong with me.
--Once my father yelled at me to the point of a breakdown because he didn't like my handwriting.
I think it would be a much stronger essay if you stated your perspective more expressively. Definitely, build upon this experience along the lines of how you changed or whatnot :) Good luck!!