Hi everyone, am really not satisfied with my essay and I need your help. Please be as brutal as possible. I have doubts about my first paragraph a d also i need to reduce the length of my essay. Please help me identify any irrelevant parts.
I appreciate your concern greatly.
The person who has influenced me greatly.
Ever been in a situation when you are both hot and cold to tell the difference between water and vinegar; a moment when hell and temptations come second to what is before you; a point in time where you wish you where in the twin towers on September 9th because then you would not be part of the congregation that held hands in a certain church that Sunday?
I was caught up in a vortex of emotion as I looked at the person who has had a significant influence on my life. Tears filled my eyes as I stared at her looking at her most promising patient in disbelief. Her hands were shaking so uncontrollably and the look in her eyes was that of regret, fear, anger. The intern who had been treating my father for nearly a month, a seemingly perfect creature in which ever way you define the term perfect had my heart in pieces. Ten minutes ago she had been trying to save my father's life and now, she had killed him: she had injected him with the neighboring patient's medicine, the wrong medicine. My father slowly and painfully died. Standing hopelessly before me was a woman who at that point I wanted to hate.
I cannot say she taught me my first hip hop dance move, bought me my prom dress or even attended any of my high school meetings. She did not resign to be my biology teacher or career guidance counselor to have steered me into wanting to be a medical doctor today. However the fact that she accepted her mistake and did not give up on her passion of being a medical doctor today, in addition to the fact that such a great intern, my icon of an idyllic life had made such a mistake, has influenced my perspective towards myself and others a great deal both psychologically and physically.
Because of her, I came to realize that one of the things that make me human is the innate ability to make mistakes while what made me different was how I saw myself after failing. From her genuine struggle that ended in the most unexpected way, I realized as long as I live, am bound to get hurt or hurt others while taking risks to save those I care about. In being able to struggle to forgive herself and view the situation in a positive way, I learnt to have the courage to make peace with the mistakes I have made and my nasty failures instead of judging myself so brutally and relentlessly punishing myself.
Even today, in the many responsibilities I have been blessed with like being a defender for my school soccer team in the regional championship games, being on the school counseling council or working in a weight loss club, I have been able to take risks that could make others lives better, as well as mine, since I know that the outcome is always uncertain, it is up to me to view things in a different angle in case I fail, acknowledge my failure , seek pardon, forgive myself and hope for a better outcome next time.
In addition, though the mistake she made came with its own grievances even on my sides, am now glad I acquired a whole new perspective towards situations that hurt me most: I have come to discover that believing in the little that is left of me after a failure will always be enough to make me pull through the hardest of times. Seeing my father's lifeless body unveiled the cold and crude futility of life. A man to make a home coming party in three days was now a bunch of fastidiously knit fiber that had no use at all, a victim of fate. Though beaten down for more than a month after that fateful day, I have totally grown up and changed. I came to realize that truth is not always spelled with capital T and sometimes God grants us snakes when we ask for fish, stones when we beg for bread and this happens for a reason.
Despite the many healing session groups I joined and inspirational books I read, real strength and healing only comes from the inside and that is a choice I had to make. Reviving a crushed spirit, regaining stolen hope or refining a rusted soul is only possible if I actually mined deep into where it hurt most for the little strength that is left of me ; only if I pocked the remains of my rugged soul in the quest of forging some optimism and being my own puzzle solver.
Am not applauding her for causing my father's death and I admit what she did was truly unprofessional. However, am grateful because in her being a character in my life's script, I have become for ready for college and the challenges that come with it to a fair extent. I have grown to treasure not only life but also the risks that it demands of me and the failures that come with it. Because such a person triggered my transformation, am always excited to meet a diverse community since each individual is meant for a reason. Though I still have a lot more to incorporate into my character and personality as a whole, am glad I can tackle situations with courage coupled with consideration.
Change all your semi colons into commas because I don't think it's grammatically correct to do that, but if it is, then you can leave it =)
Overall, I think it's an excellent and well written essay. The way you wrote it by incorporating your own personal thoughts and emotions while making this generic "learning mistakes" topic into a real original essay make it really interesting to read. Your topic sentences are very well built and written, making the paragraphs very direct and coherent when people read it.
I don't really see any changes besides the one I made.
=)! Good luck!
