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"My father, an immigrant's story" - a person's influence on you- Common Application


Editor1010 9 / 33  
Oct 9, 2010   #1
Please this is very important the deadline is November 1st :D please let me get some good feedback! Thanks in advance!

Imagine having to walk thirty minutes just to get to school. Imagine sitting under a street light at night to be able to do school work. Imagine wearing the same thing to school thing everyday. Imagine having one pair of socks, one pair of shoes, one pair of pants. Imagine being my father. That's why when asked the question who inspires you, I don't think or hesitate the second the question is heard my father naturally comes out of my mouth.

XueAmir 6 / 25  
Oct 17, 2010   #2
Imagine having to walk thirty minutes just to get to school. Imagine sitting under a street light , at night,in order to be able to do school work. Imagine wearing the same thing to school thing everyday. Imagine having one pair of socks, one pair of shoes, one pair of pants. Imagine being my father. That's why when asked the question who inspires you, I don't think or hesitate the second the question is heard my to say my father . My father's story may seem like many immigrants stories, but that didn't make a difference to me. I knew it should be told.why? At the age of 26,my father had just gotten married to my mother .and A year later,they had my older sister,name, was born . Knowing the struggles he went through growing up, my father wanted us to provide us with the best out there. He knew that America would be able to give us the opportunities he never had. So, just a year after being married they packed their bags to go to an unknown world. Speaking no English , they were heading towards a puzzle. They would get lost, be confused, but none of this mattered to the my father. He left his family and everything behind to come here. When I think about all of this I think it is so amazing that one man could put his family behind him to start his own family. To grow his own family and not care about what was going to happen and juts to have faith, believe and to live on. Growing up I always heard the words " You guys are so lucky" from my father. I never realized what he meant till now. Recently, I thought to myself, we are very lucky. Lucky to have so many extraordinary opportunities in front of us. If it wasn't for my father I wouldn't be the person that I am today. After hearing his story so many times I knew that I had to live up to what he wanted. I knew I had to try hard at school and make sure that I was successful. I had to make him proud of me show him that yes coming here was worth it. He left everything behind, I had to show him that everything was here. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been the hard worker I am today. He got what he wanted, a daughter that is willing to work tilluntil she can' t take it anymore. I am going to show him that I am strong and that I will make it. I will show him that none of thishis effortswaswere pointless. Imagine being my father. Imagine.

quite a few grammatical errors but inspiring story.it kept me interested, but I would change some of the vocabulary.Maybe bring the good ole thesaurus to make your essay's diction standout.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Oct 20, 2010   #3
Imagine wearing the same thing to school everyday. ---- every day is 2 words here. Use it as one word only when it is an adjective describing a noun.

Good sentence!----> Speaking no English, they were heading towards a puzzle.

He thought about growing his own family and not caring about what was going to happen. ----- I think you can write this in a better way!

He thought about growing his own family and did not care what he would have to sacrifice.

Run on sentence:
My father had faith, he believed ...
Do this:
My father had faith; he believed...

If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been become the hard worker I am today.

Nice ending!


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