i am writing an essay for UT-Austin and the prompt is :Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you. my essay is 482 words, but am not sure of it. can you read it and give me a feedback please ?
It is difficult to gauge the impact that all the people in my life have had on me. Yet, as I look back, one person truly stands out. This person has done everything he could to make me a fortunate kid, the opportunity of a better life. For me, he is a legacy. He has taught me the arts of behavior and the ability to deal with my daily affairs. My father has influenced me in everything I know, everything I am. Although he is not here to through a tear away, he never fails to disperse some hope to my most discouraged days.
As a young kid my father hadn't dreamed of much, since his family could barely afford living at the time. Nevertheless, he fought his way through it with nothing but faith and hope staggering over his dilemmas. All in all, he grew up to be the man I look up to, the man who had never let me down when I needed him the most. He inspired me to seek the best of myself, to always work harder to achieve my hidden wishes and hopes, and never give up on my dreams.
I vividly remember when I was a child, I was the first child in the family, which brought a whole lot of attention and admiration that lasted a couple of marvelous years. Throughout the diversity of my dreamy childhood, my father never failed to satisfy the aggressive childish wants I had, however he didn't just give it to me like everybody else. He had his own unique ways to let me learn the value of the toys I had, the candy he gave me, and everything I still have. He nurtured me to the values of earning not taking, and appreciating what I have, at a time where I was in a place to be spoiled forever.
As I grew up, our relation was tied, like that of a pact. My actions came with his encouragements and endless chain of love. His wise talk through my childhood, maybe not understood at the time, became a reference during my ongoing teenage years. As I look back, I can still remember the days he had to stay late at work as to build a college foundation for me. Without him, I wouldn't be the ambitious person I am today, eager to learn and pursue my desires and hopes through higher education.
He showed me a different perspective of life, where dreams are goals within a time line. He opened my eyes to the world, showing me examples of righteousness, honesty and integrity, as well as compassion, justice and equity. The way I behave as a daughter, a sister, a neighbor, a citizen, and a human being. The way I cope with life situations and hardships, all inspired by him for the creation of the person I am today.
I see the effect you want to have with the fragments at the end and I applaud that, but I think they would be better as sentences. Maybe you could start each one with "He [verb] " structure just like you did with the first two sentences of the paragraph. It would still, then, have dramatic effect, and you wouldn't have to worry about admissions officers being upset at the use of fragments.
Overall, nice essay! I can tell, as will the people from UT-Austin, that it's really from the heart. Just consider the grammatical suggestions I made. Good luck!
thankyou very much for your suggestions ! they ar every helpful!
i re edited the last paragraph and wrote this:
He showed me a different perspective of life, where dreams are goals within a time line. He opened my eyes to the world, showing me examples of righteousness, honesty and integrity, as well as compassion, justice and equity. He taught me how to become a better daughter, sister, neighbor, citizen, and human being. The way I cope with life situations and hardships, all inspired by him for the creation of the person I am today.
is this better, or does it need to be rephrased again ?
thankyou very much for your feed back !
