thanks for your comments i will go improve on it:)
this is my commonapp essay too! please do comment too:) thanks!
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
From a very young age, I have always envied the concept of freedom, which in my case, having the liberty to decide for myself what I want to do exactly. Every small detail was planned out for me so I had little to worry. I simply did what I was told. I had always thought life was simple and smooth sailing for my family. But as time progresses, I begin to see that all that comes at a cost. Much sacrifice was made by my parents, especially by my dad. Sacrifices that have positively influenced my life and will no doubt continue to guide me in my journey to become a responsible young man. My dad was never good at expressing himself with words, but through his actions, he was able to influence me in many different ways.
In year 2000, my father met with an accident in China on his way home from work. He was a casualty in an armed robbery which caused him to lose partial mobility in his left leg and to experience random sharp pains throughout the day, something that he has been forced to live with ever since. I guess I was too young then to truly understand the implications of him getting injured. My sister told me a few years later that she saw my dad crying in his hospital ward one day back then, and that started to get me thinking. To me, my dad had always portrayed himself as an emotionally strong man who, no matter how tough situations are or how bleak the future seems, would be able to remain strong and continue to be the pillar of hope and support in our lives. Slowly, I began to understand that all the things that were provided to me did not come easy. Instead, I was only able to have a carefree childhood because my father was determined to carry out his responsibility as a father. And all this had greatly influenced my perception of life, especially regarding the importance of taking responsibility in everything that I do.
"I might just lick boots if that will get me paid". That was what my father said when the world economy collapsed after 911 in 2001. He was on the verge of bankruptcy due to the relentless rise in cost of living together with his business client's refusal to pay him. But he knew that by declaring bankruptcy, it might have dire consequences or even jeopardize our future. If he had chosen to declare bankruptcy, I would definitely not have the opportunity to study overseas. In these 6 years, by studying and living in a foreign country homeland alone, not only was I able to adopt a more comprehensive world view as well as to learn to view my country from an external point of view but it has also made me an independent learner that will strive to push myself further in pursuing my passion and achieving my goals. Indeed, most parents would go through the hard works to provide the best for their kids, but to me personally, few would go to such a great extent like my dad. He will rather work harder than to transfer us to local schools. He will rather work overtime so we can afford to study overseas. He will rather push himself even harder than to give up and complain about how unfair life has been. Through his actions, my father has shown me the importance of trying before giving in. He has also influenced me to be tenacious in my pursuit of my passion and dream such as to study about politics, government and international relations.
I have always been intrigued by how societies can adopt different political systems yet still be able to function properly and prosper, and how successful and adequate political dialogues can be crucial in ensuring regional peace and global perspective. How there is an urgent need to enforce on peaceful resolution and to enhance on global cooperation and security regarding issues such as the Kashmir conflict between India and Pakistan and the recent deterioration of relations between North and South Korea. My father has provided me with an opportunity which greatly impacted my growth, allowing me to have a chance to venture beyond and to pursuit my interest in this field.
My father is a man who will relentlessly provide for his children no matter how difficult things might seem. He, too, is a father who will not utter a word of complaint even if he has to keep giving without any guarantee of return. His steadfast character in assuming his responsibilities as a dependable father has made clear to me the need for me to carry out my own responsibilities; be it as a citizen of my community or as a student in an institution. My dad's unwavering determination to fulfill his responsibility as a dutiful father has not only led me to realize the need for me to fulfill my obligation towards the community, but also my interest in the field of politics.
I'll remove a comma and one word below:
...with words, but through his actions he was able to influence me in many different ways.
This sentence above is at the end of the first paragraph, so it is an important sentence. Yet, it does not carry much meaning! All it says is that he influenced you in many different ways. I think the first paragraph should end with a sentence that expresses the idea that you want the reader to remember. It should be an interesting, memorable concept/theme for the essay.
This essay is very high quality writing. I think everyone who reads it will benefit from the insight you share. The most important part to work on is the end of that first paragraph. I love the second para so much that I almost want to suggest eliminating the first paragraph altogether to put the focus on that very strong second paragraph by making it become the first paragraph.
How do you feel about eliminating the first paragraph of this essay, or maybe moving it? I would like it if the second paragraph was the first paragraph. :-)
