Unanswered [5] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES

Undergraduate   Posts: 5

My father, mother - UC Prompt #1 do you guys think its too much about the story?

Hellobeautiful 2 / 4  
Nov 24, 2009   #1
Well i thought i was done with it, but i reread it and realized its kinda too much like about the story and not really that much of me i also think its a bit repetitive towards the end. Any help/suggestion is appreciated!

Prompt #1

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I never really appreciated my father. It was only on rare occasions that he and I would actually see eye to eye. However when I was fourteen, one night, one conversation, one sentence, had changed my perspective on not only him, but the way I viewed my life. It was 11 P.M. and my father was sitting in the kitchen. While observing him, I noticed the normal bags under his eyes seemed darker and deeper than usual. The bills were strewn across the table and I could hear him muttering "money, money, and more money." I could tell he didn't want to be bothered so I returned to my room. Yet one question remained in my head, one I had no logical answer to.

After some contemplation, I went back to the kitchen to ask him. "Dad, why don't you ever ask mom for child support for me and Jeff [my brother]?" Out of all of the years since their divorce, never once did he ask her for a penny. I didn't understand why if he could just get "free" money from my mother, why didn't he? Here he was working on average 10 hours a day, picking up extra shifts whenever possible, and even fixing up cars on the weekends to make extra money; when money that should be his, was his, if he asked for it. He looked up and answered to me in English with his heavy Asian accent, "If I ever asked her for anything, then it would mean I wasn't capable of raising you two on my own."

Since that night, the way I view my life has completely changed. There was a whole new level of respect and appreciation for my father in that one sentence. With this new level of respect and appreciation came the realization of many other aspects in my life in which I had overlooked. My dad could have taken the easy route like my mother did any time he wished to do so, but he never did. And for that reason, my father is one of my biggest motivators to do well in life. When considering all of the scarifies and choices my father has made in order to provide his family with a privileged life, I know that it is my obligation to repay him for everything he has done for me.

It is my dream that one day, I will be able to give back more to my father than what he has given me. In order to do so, I believe that I must fulfill the wish he has for his children; for us all to be successful. To me, and partly my father, being successful is defined as being happy with life and being financially stable. I believe the road to success will be achieved by graduating from one of the Universities of California with good grades and honors. Then soon after, I hope to find a job which I enjoy doing. I know that any occupation that enables me to use my own resources and abilities to help others, particularly children, will make me happy. More specifically, I prefer to do something in the medical field which I believe will enable me to make the most use out of my skills. It would be an advantage if this occupation allowed me to be financially stable because I hope for a future in which I can support both my family, as well as my father and stepmother.

Even though this is what I plan for my future I am uncertain about what the future has in store for me. Yet, I know that one day I will achieve my dream of repaying my dad. I am going to make sure that he has gotten everything he earned for never abandoning me. Although my father has given me a lot in life, I will admit, that my mother did not walk away leaving me with absolutely nothing. She also gives me motivation to fulfill my dreams of being successful, because one day, when she looks back on the day she left me, my brother, and my father, I know that she is going to regret it.

meisj0n 8 / 282 2  
Nov 24, 2009   #2
most of your essay is well polished already.

just a few snippets here and there.
first sentence/phrase is important. are you sure you want to use what you have now? it looks rather negative...

In order to be successful, I believe that I must graduate from one of the Universities of California with good grades which will enable me to obtain a well paying job. <This sounds like a rather forced notion of success. While supporting your family is one of your main goals, maybe include that you want to enjoy doing your work? that you will try to find an area of work where you won't have to worry about money matters.

She gave me reason to strive...
When that day comes, I will...<this sentence sounds rather negative too, even though it's supposed to sound positive... becoming what your father wished you to be is not very liberalist American, it's not, I think, what colleges are searching for in a student. maybe say, I can prove to my mother that I can be better than what my father wished me to be...

Last sentence: maybe use that^ . move your current one to the beginning somewhere.. will be better there.
OP Hellobeautiful 2 / 4  
Nov 24, 2009   #3
Thanks for your advice it reallly helped me.
Umm i think im gonna keep the first sentence because i wanted to show how much our relationship changed.
soo i rewrote the ending paragraphs...any more suggestions?
meisj0n 8 / 282 2  
Nov 24, 2009   #4
It's better, but since you are talking about a future job, a future career in medicine, use a future tense that flows more. second to last para is still a bit stretched. can you make it more concise?

can you look over my uc app essay? thx
OP Hellobeautiful 2 / 4  
Nov 26, 2009   #5
Oh alright, thanks for the extra advice. Ill post the edited one later.
Ill try, but just to let you know im reallly bad at peeer editing haha x.x

Home / Undergraduate / My father, mother - UC Prompt #1 do you guys think its too much about the story?