Hi i've applied to Ryerson university this year, however i was told to submit an admission essay. There should be alot of grammar mistakes, and some sentences that do not make such senses. Since my English is not good,,, I hereby ask for help :) !!
Can you guys look over my grammars, and am I doing this right ? Any suggestions ?
Any changes will be welcome and really appreciated !!
Along with your completed Supplementary Application form, please include a separate, one or two page document for each program choice(s) in which you outline the reasons you decided to apply for this program, as well as details and factors relevant to the review of your application. On each document, include appropriate identifying information, including your first and last name, your Ryerson number, and the program choice. The format should be as follows: 250 to 500 words on 8.5" by 11" paper with 1" margins.
Since I was a child, I was fascinated by the business world due to my father. My father was an ordinary business man; however he was a role model to me. Sometimes I followed my father to work and experienced the world of business first hand. He explained to me how the business ran such as merchandizing and interpersonal relationship. Often I would help him out with fairly significant duties including organizing files and collecting data. As days passed by, I continuously achieved knowledge regarding formation of a company; which led me to be more passionate about business. Moreover, these experiences and observations helped me to gain well-established fundamentals.
The insights to the business world during my early years gave me an opportunity to project and adopt strong leadership skills. When I moved on to senior years of high school, I was able to apply these understandings and put them into real situations. It was in high school years, when I realized the attractiveness of the business and wanted to learn more about it; so, I took all the courses related to business, accounting and economic. At the end result of the high school, I was able to graduate with satisfying grades yet wanted to learn more about business in real life; in real situation. That's when I've decided that I wanted to take a year off to learn and experience the business in actual market. I was hired at a local company, and there I was able to learn more about interpersonal relationship skills and public relations in detail. After few months of working, I've come to conclusion that I was now ready for university; Ryerson in particular.
I believe Ryerson is a great step towards accomplishing my goal of becoming a business man. Ryerson is located at the heart of downtown; therefore able to oversee the marketing surroundings along with new business building 'Ted Rogers School of Management'. One of the reasons why I selected Ryerson is because even in this unstable economy crisis, 94 percent of grads from Ted Rogers School of management were employed within six months. Finally, I believe Ryerson is the school to pursue my undergraduate studies because Ryerson has distinctive undergraduate programs that educate students' practical for real world; and after the graduation, I believe I may be one step closer to success.
He explained to me how the business ran such as merchandising and interpersonal relationships .
The end result of the high school was that I was able to graduate with satisfying grades yet wanted to learn more about business in real life; in real situations .
That's when I decided that I wanted to take a year off to learn and experience the business in the actual market.
After a few months of working, I've come to conclusion that I was now ready for university; Ryerson in particular.
I believe that attending Ryerson would be a great step towards accomplishing my goal of becoming a business man. Ryerson is located at the heart of downtown; therefore able to oversee the marketing surroundings along with the new business building, 'Ted Rogers School of Management'.
One of the reasons why I selected Ryerson is because even in this unstable economic crisis, 94 percent of grads from Ted Rogers School of Management were employed within six months.
Finally, I believe Ryerson is the school in which to pursue my undergraduate studies because it has distinctive undergraduate programs that educate students' practical for real world ...this needs fixing, as it is unclear.
Here are a few mistakes here and there, but it's pretty good essay!
Good luck in school.
:)
A few more fixes for you:
"Since I was a child, I have been fascinated by the business world due to my father."
"He explained various aspects of the business to me how the business ran such asincluding merchandising and developing interpersonal relationship. "
"I believe attending Ryerson is a great step towards accomplishing my goal of becoming a businessman "
