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About My Father - Princeton Supplement Essay - a person who has influenced you in a significant way


rouyi 1 / -  
Oct 10, 2019   #1
Please comment on my essay. Your help is much appreciated!!!

he gave me the life and made me who I am now



Since young, the thoughts of "if I do not understand something that others do, it means that I am dumb" and "asking things that others know is asking stupid questions" have been embedded in me, which led me to be timid and not ask when in doubt. He always insisted that "if there is nothing to lose but face (being embarrassed), just ask." He would tell us this every now and then; it is one lessons that I will never forget. When I started secondary school, I decided to step out of my comfort zone to start asking. Initially, I was overly concern of asking stupid questions but later overcame it as I realized many others actually had the same question but were afraid to ask. Because of this, I became more independent and not afraid to just ask around.

He has been urging me to think of my ambition and consider my study options since I was 12 years old. He brought me to education fairs, sent me to workshops and encouraged me to talk to others to know more about different professions or education systems. From these exposures, I was introduced to the US education system which was quite foreign to my family members. He supported my choice to go to US even though it is at the other side of the Earth. Also, he did not mind at all that I change my ambition as frequent as the weather changes, but he assured me that it is normal. If not for him, I would not have been constantly seeking out for my interest and may be lost among the sea of choices.

Because of him, I like to have discussions and listen to other people's views. He always likes to share many issues he saw or heard such as politics, science or social issues. As a young girl, I did not understand a lot but I was intrigued by them, so I would just listen to whatever he shares. As I grow older, instead of just him talking, I would give my opinion and start a discussion with him. I like this kind of discussions, it allows me to see a specific issue from another prospective, thus being able to analyse the whole issue better. This prompts me to sometimes ask my lecturers about out-of-syllabus topics. I just want to know their views based on their knowledge and experience and also share my view to let them correct any faults in my assumption or explanation.

He was the one who helped me find my passion. He is not an engineer but whenever he repairs the appliances around the house, he would invite me to see. He even allowed me to tear apart the broken appliances to see the components. Sometimes, we would discuss ways to repair some appliances and he would occasionally take my suggestions. He never once forced me to do "more feminine" things or forbid me from doing "boyish" things. His fair treatment allowed me to find my true interest through the different exposures. Even when I told him my decision of becoming an engineer, he did not oppose my decision but supported me and warned me of the unfair treatment I may receive for working in a male-dominated field.

He is the one who gave me life and also the one who made me who I am now; he is my father.

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Oct 14, 2019   #2
@rouyi
Welcome to the forum. I am here to help you by providing feedback on this essay.

Firstly, formalize the first paragraph. The insertion of quotations from the get-go appear to be (for the lack of better word) tacky because you were unable to utilize it more effectively. What I do suggest, if you're planning to take this route, is to try and use just one quotation and massively infuse it as a tone set for your essay. Doing this will help you structure the usage of flairs a bit more.

Furthermore, you have a tendency to put lengthy sentences mashed together. While this is alright, for essay like this that require boldness in simplicity, it would not be in your best benefit to do so. Instead, focus more on building with smaller structures, focusing on transitioning and prioritizing content that needs to be sought after.


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