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MY FATHER; Princeton Essay-talk about a person who has influenced you


paul2752 2 / 5  
Sep 8, 2013   #1
This is somewhat scattered, and contain grammar errors..and I am a QB applicant, a non-citizen speaker. Please review on content, grammar, and its personality(500 words)

Even though my father is not with me now, he still exist in my head and my heart. His humors and scary eyes, loud laugh and gut-scaring yell, and some other contradictory created a bit mixed feelings toward him, but I don't doubt he is a loving father, and best father anyone can have in the world. He was the person who completely changed my memorizing brain to thinking brain.

It's been so long time since I had one, but I and my father always had Sunday Talkie on every Sunday. He would have me sit in the living room. Mostly he taught me lots about how to be a great human with morality, wisdom, reason, and emotion. and threw a question in form of Socratic talk(he didn't call it so, but I learnt later about it). While he enjoyed lectures, I grumbled inside: who would want to cross-leg in the living room for two hours? Everything father told me sounded too esoteric that I was very discontented inside. My somewhat impatient father, too, was sometimes discontented by my stupidly simple answers to his questions.

.Finally, I had some progress.:
"What would you do if you see a beggar?"
Me: Uh...leave some money???
"What if you see him everyday? Will you still help him? Aren't you stealing his chance to be independent?"
Me: ...Ah, I can leave in halfway house.
"Why?"
ME:...I guess it's better to rehabilitate and go back to the society than to stay in the street.
I was still imperfect, but my father still was proud of my progress. Soon, I realized that he wanted to train my ability to see through the matter and its essence. Having a natural love for science, my brain directed "why' to science. At some point, knowing a simple piece of fact like 'alcohol+organic acid=water and ester' wasn't fun. After learning it's because of complex electron transfers between catalyst acid, alcohol, and organic acid, I felt satisfied. Since then, I didn't stop at learning a short piece of knowledge from book, but enjoyed why certain phenomena happen. I remember making several science teachers annoyed with too detailed questions,. Several years from then, it's been my habit to read complicated books and old encyclopedia to learn something that's not explained in the high school text book, and I felt like a gold miner who just found a nugget when I finally get an answer.

This scientific view also affected my view; whenever I see a giant banner about notorious criminal in internet or CNN, my brain starts analysis: why this person did this, and can this person be salvaged? It's been my habit to observe any interesting human or natural phenomena, and it seems that such my behavior widened my perspective, like I, who lived in Korea for 15 years, wasn't taken back by different culture of America. Such my revelation also got rid of my thousand years old bias, for example, against homosexuals I had long time before. All these have prepared me to be a 'good, unbiased' science person. I thank my father and his Sunday Talkie for my change.
admission2012 - / 477 90  
Sep 15, 2013   #2
Hello,

I think your basic thesis here that your father encouraged you to think analytically is good. However, most of your examples are not structured in a way that Princeton will appreciate. You need to use examples that show fully how your critical mind can be attributed to your father. After all, this essay is about that person that has influenced you. Once you do this, we can help you with the grammar and spelling. -Admissions Advice Online

Hope this helps.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Sep 26, 2013   #3
Even though my father is not with me now, he still exist in my head and my heart

Even though my father no more lives with me, he still occupies the bigger portion of my heart and mind.

His humors and scary eyes, loud laugh and gut-scaring yell, and some other contradictory created a bit mixed feelings toward him, but I don't doubt he is a loving father, and best father anyone can have in the world. He was the person who completely changed my memorizing brain to thinking brain.

This line is a bit too long in my feeling. I like if you rephrase it and make shorter sentences.

Soon, I realized that he wanted to train my ability to see through the matter and its essence

.... what do you mean by the last three words? It sounds a bit confusing to me :(


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