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My Father's story "essay on someone who made impact on me"

syookhong 7 / 21  
Jan 5, 2010   #1
Please help me check my grammar, and most importantly please give me feedbacks, comments, and suggestions as what i could do to improve it.
Thanks in advance!!

Topic: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

"When I was your age, I worked from dusk to dawn" exclaimed my father as he lectured me on my laziness. This nostalgic statement appears in almost all of the arguments we had. "Here we go again" I thought. The statement did not concern me at all and I thought that he was bragging about his diligence. However, as I grew older and began to understand things better, my father told me about his past in detail. After learning about his life, I felt ashamed of myself for being ignorant towards his lectures. My father's story revealed the rough life he had live and failures he had been through.

Persevering throughout his entire life, my father had fought through numerous obstacles to achieve what he had today. Determined, responsible, and dedicated are characteristics that my father inherits. These characteristics helped my father endure through all of the challenges that he has faced.

Growing up in a family with poverty, my father worked hard since he was young to earn enough money to support his family and to pay for his education. He took on almost every job that he could find. From selling coffee by the streets of Thailand, to working as a waiter in a restaurant, my father has done it all. Working as a waiter for several years, he was rewarded with a promotion for his hard work. His extensive years in the food industry got him a job at a company in the city, where he would work there for more than twenty years. But despite his commitment and loyalty to his company, he was deposed from his position from the new management team. However, he did not give up from this tragic event and aimed to compete with the company he once worked at. He began to establish his own private company, using his knowledge in the field of food science that he acquired throughout his life. The company gained outrageous amounts of profit even though it was only on its first year. It grew from a small business that hired only four employees into a company hiring more than thirty employees.

My father's story was an inspirational story that changed my perspective on life. Born into a poor family, he was able to build himself up of poverty, and to achieve what he has achieved today. The obstacles that he encounters through his life did not make him give up. Instead, he fought it through his will power and his desire to become a successful man despite his lack of proper education. During times of hardship and difficulties in my life, I would remind myself of my father's story and how he remained tough when faced with problems. My father may accomplish little compared to other people, but to me, my father is a model that I strove to be like.
dlev11 1 / 3  
Jan 5, 2010   #2
I like the fact that you opened your essay with a quote!

Before i critique can you tell me why our writing about your father
doug 4 / 23  
Jan 5, 2010   #3
dlev-- it's the topic...

syook--- you should provide anecdotes and relate it to how what you did was influenced by your father.
Ardlley 1 / 4  
Jan 7, 2010   #4
Great essay so far. Your father's story from "rags to riches" was interesting, but you need to elaborate on your difficulties in life as well. Then you can connect that to your father's hardship.
maXimumeXposure 3 / 8  
Jan 8, 2010   #5
remember: its never fun when you say something and then say the same thing again in detail.

My father's story revealed the rough life he had live and failures he had been through.

once you mention that, the reader knows whats coming...he/she can skip a couple of lines without missing a thing.

give it more weight, make it an unknown adventure- like how it was for you, slowly finding out about his life.

Ooh la la!
OP syookhong 7 / 21  
Jan 9, 2010   #6
thanks for the suggestion guys
i really appreciate it

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