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My Father, The Sun of My Life- (influential person), Commonapp

Oct 28, 2010   #1
Describe a person who has significant influence on you.

The most influential person in my life showed me the stars and taught me how to reach them. With a willing hand to lend, he has been a helper and an advisor. This person means the world to me. He is my father, the sun of my life.

My father has always been the supporting force for my academic achievements. When I was in 9th grade, I set up my goal to attend one of the top high schools in my province. This school required perfect scores in the 9th grade high school entrance exam. I was very depressed. I felt that I was suffocating under so much pressure for perfection. However, It was my father who rescued me from despair by giving me a lesson without saying anything. One Sunday afternoon after I finished my homework, he came to my room and said, "Let's go downstairs and I will teach you how to ride a bike." I was surprised, since I had always wanted to learn, but I never had the chance as I grew up in a city. Downstairs, my father instructed me in the basic principles of balancing a bike, and asked me to practice. I started to pedal and soon fell down on the ground after covering a short distance. Even though my knees hurt badly, it seemed unlikely that my father wanted me to stop. Eventually, I rode the bike with perfect stability. I looked at him and saw a charming smile on his face. Then I realized the reason why my father asked me to learn this elementary skill. Never would I know the joy of success if I gave up halfway. From that day onward, I applied this philosophy to diligence in my schoolwork. I achieved a perfect score on the entrance exam and I went to my dream high school.

Unlike other parents in China who just want their children to accomplish academic success, my father wants me to be unique. He supports everything I want to do as long as I have an appropriate reason. He encouraged me to learn to play the piano and the guitar when he discovered my interest in music. Because of my passion, I was selected to be the president of the music club in my high school. It was my father who inspired me to become the one to break with tradition. After sophomore year began, a strong impulse inside me urged me to explore areas other than academics. I started a rock band, called Big Potato, with other students in my club. After practicing for several months, we had our first live show in school. On that day, the screaming and applauding of our fans rebounded in the entire gym during our performance. We left our mark in school history. Without my father, I would never have thought that one day I could stand on a stage, rocking my own guitar just like other rock stars do.

My father has not only taught me knowledge, but also nurtured my mind. Once, when I scored only 68 on a math test, I threw my test paper into a trashcan on my way home. After I arrived home, my father asked me for the test paper, but I lied to him and said that our teacher had not returned it. Later he found out that I was lying; he went with me to the trashcan, and waited there until I found my test paper. I realized how silly I was to lie to him and I could not stop my tears. On the way home, he told me that no matter how badly I scored, I should face the reality and be honest. This was a life lesson that I have never forgotten.

My father has given me the support when I wanted to quit, has taught me that being unique is a valuable trait, and has nurtured my understanding of life. He has been the sun of my life: the sunshine that warms me and the brightness that enlightens me when I get lost on my way. He is my father, a guide, and a source of my strength. I look up to him with love, trust and pride.

Can anyone see why I put those letters bold in the essay? (Because s,u,and n is SUN!) But when I actually gave my essay to others, they cannot find out the secret in this essay. Do you guys think I should keep these letters bold?

I wouldn't recommend keeping the bold words or letters in the essay. It comes off as cliche. Even if the reader picks up on the acronym it doesn't really serve much of a purpose.

Also: In your introduction: 'With a willing hand to lend, he has been a helper and an advisor. This person means the world to me. He is my father, the sun of my life.'

This gives away too much too soon, the introduction should be a hook for the reader to want to read more. You have essentially summarized all I needed to know to the point where I as reader don't feel it necessary to even read the body. Use the introduction to your advantage and really make me want to read more.
EF_KevinThreads: 8
Posts: 13,840
[Contributor] 129  
Nov 3, 2010   #3
The best thing about this essay is that you PROVE that he guided you well. You prove it by writing in a way that has such high quality... any reader will know your father and other teachers have taught you how to think well.

I'll try to find small areas for improvement...
Never would I know the joy of success if I gave up halfway.--Here, you need to use "have and "had"
Never would I have known the joy of success if I had gave up halfway.

Do you guys think I should keep these letters bold?---no. Ha ha, you certainly are unique, though. I have never seen that. There is a kind of poetry that has the first letter of every line spell out a word... but in this case it will be almost impossible to notice the word sun in the essay.

However, it is not necessary to do that. The essay is already an inspired piece of writing, very very good. It has rhythm and artful words... and it put a smile on my face while I was reading. That means you should not change it!
Nov 4, 2010   #4
a really innovative essay...but i guess the people who correct ur essay would be more interested in sentence structure and use of vocabulary than in font and stylised writing...

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