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"My father" - essay topic #3-an important person and the impact on you


yf8651 16 / 31  
Dec 9, 2009   #1
Please proof read it. Any feedback or critcism is greatly appreciated.
I am concerned about the length of this essay(about 850 words). Do you think it lacks readability because of its length. Do you think some detail needs to be removed or added.

Thanks a lot in advance.

Prompt:Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

"I did it! I was admitted by that high school" After knowing the news, I rejoiced with happy tears. Having conquered the toughest barrier this time, I was one step closer to my dream held for five years. Yes, it was a dream having occupied me for five years, a dream that would never be proposed without the help of my father.

My father is my first and most significant mentor in my life, who, in my mind, symbolizes wisdom, charm and experience. Although he is just an unknown middle school teacher, he has exerted the most positive influence on me with his unbelievably broad and distinctive perspective.

Seven years ago, when I was watching the documentary film of Famous Universities around the World, my father asked me "which university would you like to go". I replied, "Well, as long as I am admitted into a university, I will be satisfied. I have thought of the most prestigious universities such as Tsinghua and Peking University in China, but you know these universities are impossible for me to get in. They are even not real in my world since they are all in big cities thousands of miles away from my isolated small village." My father moved his lips but uttered no word. The conversation gradually faded away from my memory since I was soon preoccupied with planning my summer vacation three months later.

To my great surprise, my father intended to take me to Beijing during my holiday. It was marvelous for me! Never had I ever been to anywhere 100 miles away from my small town, not to say the capital city 1000 miles away, I was eager to explore the outside world. "It would be my first time to live in a luxurious hotel." I imagined with great joy on the train to Beijing. However, I was shocked to see a shabby basement lodging room inside the well-known Tsinghua University. The moldy taste spreading over the dark room was a great contrast to the freshly mown grass on campus. "What a hell it is! How could you arrange such a room for me?" I shouted. Hearing my complaint, he calmly began his "preaching", "You need to know that in order to arrange this travel for you, the whole family is suffering from financial burden. So it is gratitude rather than complaint that you ought to express for this invaluable experience. Think about your cousin, who might still be grazing the sheep or helping cultivate the land for your uncle. Actually, just like George Bernard Shaw said before, 'The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for circumstances they want, and if they cannot find them, they make them. ' " Hearing what he said, I stood still near the door for a long time, lost in meditation. Indeed, I need to be thankful. Anyway, the better life of one person is not created by others but by one's own hands.

In the next few days, I wandered around in picture-like campus of Tsinghua with my father. Each part of the campus came into my eyes, frame by frame, like a scroll of film being pulled open slowly. One frame was two people playing badminton, my favorite sport, in a modern gymnasium. Another one was a woman reading a book in concentration between a mirror-like lake and a poetic hill. These frames depicted my ideal life exactly. "I have a hunch that I am supposed to study here." I blurted out these words as my father was taking pictures around campus. "Great, then follow your heart. Set it as your goal if you really like Tsinghua. You said Tsinghua was not real in your world before but now you are here and you see, something that seemed impossible is not necessarily so."

Back from the trip, the dream of learning in Tsinghua University got rooted in my heart. With the guidance of the goal, I kept making progress. From an isolated village's kindergarten to a town's elementary school, from a small city's middle school to an international city's well-known high school, all steps forward, inconceivable in others' eyes, were natural for me since they are the integral components of my dream.

Finally, I managed to get into one of the most prestigious high schools in China. Becoming more sophisticated and experienced, I have gradually found that Tsinghua University is not what I really want and universities in the United States suit me more. I like universities that offer exciting broad range of courses. I like universities where philosophies and the ways of thinking of different people from around the world work upon and depend on one another. These are what is emphasized in the universities of the United States but what lacks in those of China. Though it seems that my five-year dream might never come true if I study abroad, it does not matter as I still stick to the principle behind my goal, a principle that was formed under the influence of my father: never giving up your dream.
Zainab_WMA - / 1  
Dec 9, 2009   #2
Hi!

You made a mistake ...

To my great surprise, my father intended to take me to Beijing during my holiday. It was marvelous for me! Never had I ever been to anywhere 100 miles away from my small town, not to say the capital city 1000 miles away..

did you mean 100 miles??

Really like the essay!! It isn't cliche.And it has very goo descriptions!! Well Written.

I personally think it is readable, and you could cut down on just a little--very minuscule-- if you are worried about the word limit.
OP yf8651 16 / 31  
Dec 9, 2009   #3
Thank you, Zainab_WMA! I really appreciate you work. Yout comment dispel my misgiving about the length of my essay!
NightRaven 1 / 11  
Dec 9, 2009   #4
Good job on describing everything. Very descriptive.

Here's a few things you could add/remove/replace! xD:

"I did it! I was admitted by that high school," After knowing recieving the news, I rejoiced, with tears of happiness. Having conquered the toughest barrier this time, I was one step closer to my dream that I had held for five years. Yes, it was a dream having occupied me for five years, a dream that would never be proposed without the help of my father. [Sentence could be: Yes, it was a dream that had resided within me for five years, a dream that would never have been proposed without the help of my father. OR Yes, it was a goal that I had dreamt about for five whole years, a dream that would never have been proposed without the help of my father.] My father is my first and most significant mentor in my life, who, in my mind, he symbolizes wisdom, charm and experience. Although Even though, he is just an unknown middle [I'd replace with another word. A bit too harsh don't you think? xD] school teacher, he has exerted the most positive influence on me, with his unbelievably broad, and distinctive perspective.

By the way, I think it would look and be way better if you didn't provide a quotation for every single you and your father have said. You could indirectly write it, for e.g: My father asked me about which university I intended to go to. I replied honestly, and told him that it didn't matter to me, as long as I was accepted to one.

Good luck, though!
Twinkle 6 / 17  
Dec 9, 2009   #5
I love your story! make me feel really appreciate the thing that your dad do for you. I'm not very good at English, however I think it will be more beautiful if you change...

I have gradually found that Tsinghua University is not what I really want and universities in the United States suit me more.

Is it better if you said Tsinghua University gave you many great things and bring you to see world wide in education. That make you discover universities in the United States suit you with a diverse people and culture...

It's just my idea. Apply (I know my grammar is terrible) it in your own style, if you like:)
OP yf8651 16 / 31  
Dec 10, 2009   #6
Thanks guys for all your suggestions. It really helps! I will do some more work on this essay.
Many thanks!
shaokunkaren 1 / 3  
Dec 13, 2009   #7
Hey your story is a bit like mine, but obviously you can write way better than I can. I love your essay and hope you will get into your favorite universities.

Here are some thoughts:
I personally think the last paragraph is a bit abrupt. I have gotten the impression that getting into Tsinghua Uni has always been your dream but all of a sudden this dream vanished because you somehow realized universities in the States can provide something better.
ceoman 1 / 1  
Dec 13, 2009   #8
your essay is great!

but i think

"What a hell it is ! How could you arrange such a room for me?" I shouted.

is a little harsh phrase:)


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