We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)
My favorite angiosperm, Hubert, often steals me away from my friends in the summertime. This oak tree provides the perfect excuse for me to escape my mundane reality by spending the afternoon outside and doing whatever I please. I can munch on frozen grapes, discreetly watch joggers pass by on my high perch, and even recite Henry V at the top of my lungs if I choose to. Sitting on Hubert's branches takes me to my own utopia, where nagging parents and stress from the ACT test melt away with each deep, calming breath.
feedback please and thank you! :D:D
Hey, I'm applying into MIT too..
Well, I'm not a great writer. Although, please listen to my comment.
I like the way you describe your pleasure of doing something, speak of an action not words. But sitting under the oak tree didn't appeal to be an activity to me.
I think it is nicely written, although I found myself stumbling at the very first sentence. I'm not a science-retard; I'm applying to MIT too. But if I were you, I would just use "tree" instead of the unneccesarily bulky "angiosperm."
I would also revert the structure of the first sentence:
Hubert is my favorite tree, often stealing me away from my friends in the summertime. This oak tree provides the perfect refuge for me to escape my mundane reality (of what? maybe mundane chores or something would be better. you don't want to imply you're a boring person) by spending the afternoon outside doing whatever I please (no need for the "and" there). Some days I'll lounge under his expansive arms, munching on frozen grapes and discreetly watching joggers pass by, and other days I'll be emboldened to recite Henry V at the top of my lungs. My perch atop Hubert's branches is my personal utopia, where I'm further from nagging parents and stressful exams with each deep, calming breath.
Please review my Brown and Columbia short answer too!
Kruti- thank you very much! I think I might stick to the angiosperm since I love bio... hahaha but I loved your corrections. :D
Nattaree- The prompt asked me to describe something I do in my free time and I happen to enjoy climbing trees.
Hi! I think the descriptions and fluency of the essay is very good.
If your activity is meant to be "climbing trees", I think you should mention that.
Right now, i would have to say your "activity" seems to just be hanging out. Don't get me wrong, if that is what you are trying to express, that is fine too.
hope that helped? good luck and maybe look at my personal statement essay or others if you get the chance?
Very nicely written! But change the first word to "tree" instead. That bulky term doesn't really fit with the rest of the tone.
Also, I'm not sure if your essay really answers the prompt because it talks about an activity that is required of you. Maybe I interpreted wrong :P
Strong essay though!! Please help my carnegie essay too!
Nice essay overall but I agree with everyone else you sould like you are trying too hard to use big words in the beginning. Sometimes simplicity is key and in this case just go with the simple use of tree.
please read my Notre Dame essay.
the first sentence is a little stumbling at first, but i like the angiosperm...esp if you are going into bio
it sound like you like observing people, which would be good to mention/elaborate on if you were going into sociology
overall it sounds pretty good
