'favorite art class' - College of Lake County - My application essay

It was a gloomy day and I could even hear a pulsation of my heart. I could see tears from my parent's faces and I just avoided. It was first day; I had packed up to leave foreign country for getting better education. "Afraid, feared and throbbing" With complicating of mind, I just left my country and family. First country I ever went was Philippine and since I had spent a year I transferred to Malaysia. Most reason that I had chosen these countries for getting education was English. I am the one who think speaking English is most important education in my life. To be a career woman in the global world English was an exceedingly source. Because I had spent my high school year for language courses from foreign counties. I had to take a GED test for regarding high school diploma. And I just got a latter of acceptance from College of Lake County community college which located at USA. And that made me to pack up for another adventure. And I believed that I would be a woman who could change the world if I educated in USA.

My major is an undecided right now at College of Lake County. During attending that college, I always had a conflict in my mind that cares about which major I should study. Last year I had found what I want to study. It is art. Last year I had wall painting assignment from a church and had found myself that I have an talents in art. Honestly my favorite class was an art class; I never got bored or disappointed whenever I had art assignment. For me, art is energy of life and goals of my life. I am not one who is a professional at art but to be a professional, I decided to apply to the California College of art, and I just began my portfolio.

My goals after I graduate college are that I could design fancy accessories. I am the one who crazy at little materials like fancy accessories. Whenever I saw that kind of little fancy things I could not stop myself to buy it. I used to imagine that it might be better if one that I bought was this or that color. That was why I wanted to design fancy accessories. I have desire to admire many people by designing little fancy materials. And I want to express my happiness and positive thought through fancy accessories so I can influence to the world even if it would be little like fancy materials.

There is another objective for designing fancy accessories. During my high school years I participated in a volunteer community service whenever I had time. When I lived in the Philippines I helped church for teaching bible and giving the necessities of life to poor people. When I was in Malaysia I used to go to an orphanage and I played with orphan people. Whenever I had time with people who are suffering from infelicity, I used to imagine that how it would be grateful if I make fancy accessories for them. If that dream comes in reality I would not be envious anybody.

Your draft is good. It needs a little more organization though. How about putting the part about the church earlier in the essay, say, around where you talk about getting your portfolio together? Where it is right now it seems almost like an afterthought; on the other hand, you could remove it all together and your essay wouldn't lose anything.

Thank you so much
Your suggestions on my essay was excellent
you are so kind
I thank you again