UC: Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I usually treated my favorite books with utmost respect. I made sure to wash my hands before handling them, took care not to crease their bindings, and even bandaged my fingers to prevent tarnishing their covers with my fingerprints. But when my older sister told my then five year old self that favorite books are distinguished by their dog eared corners and heavily creased bindings, I immediately went through my favorites, correcting their conditions. My sister's influence on me so strong that I neglected to acknowledge the fact that my sister and I were different and could act accordingly, much less consider the possibility that I too could influence others.
Thus, my decision my sophomore year to participate in a Child Growth and Development program - a program my sister, who avoids children like _________ < I can't think of anything to put in here right now, would have never voluntarily participated in - was the first indication that I had begun to grow away from my sister's influence and into my own.
During the seven month long program, I interacted directly with the kids Monday through Friday. I admired Himesh's latest Lego masterpiece, as well as the teamwork involved in its creation; chuckled at the urgency in Buster's voice as he demanded to know where he could get a dog as big and red as Clifford; and observed that there was one boy who neither socialized with the other kids during free play nor motioned along to the songs during circle time. His name was Harshey. He lacked social skills and required more attention as a result. In an attempt to coax him to interact with me, I would point to toys or to illustrations in books and ask questions like, "What is that?" and, "What color is it?"
I continued to propose these questions as the wheels on the infamous bus went round and round some more. < can I say "infamous" bus in reference to the wheels on the bus bus without mentioning the song or should I massage "Wheels on the Bus" in somewhere before? As more Lego masterpieces were constructed and deconstructed, I noticed that Harshey had begun to play and laugh with the other kids; and as more of Clifford's adventures were read aloud, I realized that I had resumed handling books with care. Between five and fifteen, I had grown less obligated to change my behavior to conform to my sister's similarly to how Harshey had grown less inhibited in his actions between October and May.
One day during circle time, as Harshey's hands, representing the windows on the bus, went up and down, they wandered onto a freckle on my face. He tilted his head towards me and asked, "What is that?"
I paused, rendered temporarily speechless by the fact that Harshey was not only initiating a conversation with me but also imitating me. As I became aware of the effect of my actions on Harshey, I realized not only my ability to influence others and the responsibility I have to make that influence a positive one, but also that I would not have had made these realizations had I not acted for myself in choosing to participate in the program.< wordyyyy but I'm not sure how to fix it
"What color is it?" Harshey continued.
"It's brown, Harshey. My freckle's brown."
Opinions/corrections on the essay as a whole please! I'm not a fan of my intro and will deffos be changing it once I think of something. Also am I spending too much time on my sister/the story as opposed to reflection? I've thought about omitting the part about my sister but it ties in later.
Word count: 507 (not including the words that will replace the _______)
Great job Jo-Ann!
The first paragraph seems to me that you are going to talk about your passion and respect for book. However, I realized, when I started to read the next paragraph, that you did not empahsize on books, but your sister's influence on you. So I would suggest you to adjust the order you narrate the story. You may want to put "My sister's influence on me so strong that I neglected to acknowledge the fact that my sister and I were different and could act accordingly, much less consider the possibility that I too could influence others." in front of the story, as a topic sentence. It could be revised shorter if you like. For example, you can only say " My sister has a strong influence on me", and make the rest part as another conclusion sentence after you finish your book story.
The second paragraph, um, I am not so sure whether the 'thus' is clear enough, because you did not mention that you want to get rid of your sister's influence before. Maybe just begin with 'in order to...' would be better. The 'avoid children' part, you want a metaphor? I think it would be better if you don't stress on it too much because the point is, after all, how you feel, not your sister. So, to make it simple, just say 'who always avoids children'. A metaphor can sometimes draw too much attention.
Still, second paragraph, the sudden emergence of all those names is a little bit weird. But if you can give a short comment on how much you like it after the 'I interacted directly with the kids Monday through Friday', maybe it will work better.
For the first sentence of the third paragraph... well, honestly I did not get it :'(, so, explanation is needed.
I love the following story! It is really a good outcome to see Harshey speak!
The sentence you are not sure about, can be devided into a couple of short sentence, as I see it as the core of the whole passage. You may not want it to end too soon. Also, to make it more balanced, you should mention your sister and your initial motivation to attend this program ( get rid of the influence of your sister and influence others?) then say you gain so much more ( kinda boring huh), or you realize that you have to influence other positively.
Hope this might help. I'm also a volunteer at an orphan's home... so it's kinda sympathy to me. lol
