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"my favorite class:Organic Chemistry", Why Emory Supplement-Intro and Conclusion


twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 15, 2010   #1
Hey I'll be happy to return the favor, I just want some feedback on whether or not I should keep this approach - the problem with it, is I have already taken up over 150 words with my beginning and ending - and the word limit is 250. =(

Anyway, in my body I was going to mention somethin about my participation in Emory's weekly service activities (tutoring at Toomer Elementary) and my research project for Emory's INSPIRE Program (I'll probably make up some specific research problem) and possibly mention something abot me picking up some trash or something becasue Emory has a really great green reputation.

Any feedback would be awesome - If you want me to edit yours just leave the link!
Thankksss!

PROMPT: Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you?

I take a seat in the front row of my favorite class: Organic Chemistry. Professor Weinschenk proceeds to begin his lecture when a limping skeleton followed by an entourage in black enter our classroom and approach him. My classmates and I bustle with excitement. After a few moments, Professor Weinschenk turns to us with a wry smile and sighs: "Class dismissed." Enthusiastic high fives are exchanged as we all simultaneously recite: "thanks Dooley!"

BLAH BLAH BLAH BODY STUFF

As I close my eyes I think about who I have become. A sleepy smile works it way across my lips as I realize that Emory has changed me: I am more conscientious my passions have been ignited and I know that as Emory has changed me, I am ready to change the world. My smile slowly disappears as I fade off into unconsciousness, proudly thinking to myself: this is why Emory.
JRob105 4 / 10  
Jan 15, 2010   #2
I think the intro takes up too many words for your limit, and I don't understand what it's leading to.

I would focus more on just answering the prompt since your body topics seem like they may require explanations, that may be lengthy.

I like the ending but it doesn't relate to what you've already written. If you can make it relate then keep it. Also, the last phrase this is why Emory almost doesn't sound right in the word play to me, but I'm not completely sure.

I think you have the basic outline to make it a great though.

If you could critique my essay I would greatly appreciate it essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/swimming-has-taught-te xas-am-essay-topic-c-15001/
OP twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 15, 2010   #3
Thanks! and no problem I'll look at yours now! =)

My intro is alluding to a big tradition at Emory called "Dooley Week"

And maybe you are confused because you dont understand the format of my essay?
Like I was planning on making it sound like I was going through my day:

I go to class
I volunteer
I research
I recylcle or something lol
I realize this is why I chose Emory

Haha. It would probably help if I finish it though. Do you see how I could cut back the word count on my intro?
OP twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 15, 2010   #4
I need to cut out about 50 words... =(
I'm working on that right now, but this is what I have. Any feedback would be great!
Some of my examples may seem odd, but its because they are from some extensive research I have done about emory:
Paragraph 1: Alludes to Emory's tradition of "Dooley Week," when the spirit of Emory (A skeleton named Dooley) goes to random classes and excuses students or completely dismisses class

P2: Pretty self explainatory. The last bit is a specific reference to Emory's weekly service trips.
P3: Also, self-explainatory. The research that I mentioned, is actually a legitimate research they have going on at Emory now - I don't really know if it is associated with the INSPIRE program though... lol

P4: They say that the library is the campus "hot-spot" at Emory. I think its common knowledge, but I don't know if admissions counselors would be familiar with it... I really just wanted to say something about diversity

Thanks in advance!!! Send me the links for your if you want =)

I take a seat in the front row of my favorite class: Organic Chemistry. Professor Weinschenk proceeds to begin his lecture when a limping skeleton followed by an entourage in black enter our classroom and approach him. After a few moments, he turns to us with a wry smile and sighs: "Class dismissed." Enthusiastic high fives are exchanged as we all simultaneously recite: "thanks Dooley!"

I, along with my fellow members of ChEmory, present a demonstration at the local elementary school Toomer. My heart leaps when I see the enthusiasm in the kids' faces as they watch sodium metal violently react with water. This is the second time I have been their week. Monday, I was tutoring second graders, as apart of my weekly service trip.

I walk into the prominent Rollins Research Building. Professor Wilkinson graciously greets me, his devoted lab assistant, as we begin our day researching the effects of fragile x-syndrome on the cognitive abilities of the elderly. Emory's INSPIRE program has been challenging, but the research and connections have been utterly fulfilling.

I sit with my friends at a table in Candler Library. We laugh as we realize how nerdy we are for designating a library as our social sanctuary. I look around at my friends faces, all different from my own and smile appreciating all the diversity I've encountered this passed year.

I lie down in my bed and close my eyes. I think about who I have become. A sleepy smile works it way across my lips as I realize that Emory has changed me: I am more conscientious my passions have been ignited and I know that as Emory has changed me, I am ready to change the world. My smile slowly dissipates as I fade off into unconsciousness, contently thinking to myself: this is why I chose Emory.


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