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My favorite Korean bands; ''Kpop"/ What do you do in your freetime essay?


superjunior  
Dec 24, 2012   #1
hi guys, please correct my intro..

Superjunior, T-ara, Chocolat, 2NE1, SHINEe, Sistar, and Younique might seem like odd names, but these are the names of my favorite korean bands i listen to in my freetime. My friends don't understand my tastes in music when I tell them about it, but nontheless I listen to it everyday, much to their annoyance anyway. When I saw the vid for "Oppa, Oppa" by Eunhae, I was delighted to see their music video and dance along with them. I love Kpop because it lets you feel loose and dance like no one is lookin. The optimistic upbeat sounds help bring my moods up if I'm havin a bad day. That is one reason why I love kpop so much-its infectious positive music that makes you want cavort and dance around. ...

NRessay 2  
Dec 24, 2012   #2
You need to bring out more of your personality in your essay, maybe define some of the terms you used which would be unfamiliar to the untrained person.
OP superjunior  
Dec 24, 2012   #3
wait, what terms do I need to define for the untrained ppl.. ?.... thanks.
NRessay 2  
Dec 24, 2012   #4
Maybe just write about one of those terms in greater detail because I don't understand what you said. It is like a whirlwind of ideas; I was talking about the bands.
OP superjunior  
Dec 24, 2012   #5
what are u talking abt? i think im pretty clear tht im writing about kpop and why i like to listen to it in my free time.. =.=; ....
aLuckyStudent  
Dec 24, 2012   #6
I agreed with the first commentor that your ideas organization is rather unclear. The main idea about your interest in Kpop sort of "pop" out at the very end of the paragraph. If I read everything except the title or the last line, I would have no clue what you are trying to say. It would look like you're trying to mold this intro into a typical intro with a general and vague statement starting out then becoming narrower until it focuses on the subject which is fine. The problem arises with your general statements and when you're trying to narrow down the subject. Let me clear this up more:

Superjunior, T-ara, Chocolat, 2NE1, SHINEe, Sistar, and Younique might seem like odd names,

I understand what you're doing, but already I feel overwhelm by the number of different names. Try just picking three

My friends don't understand my tastes in music when I tell them about it, but nontheless I listen to it everyday, much to their annoyance anyway

Wait, is this trying to establish your a part of your personality which accounts in the fact that you like these bands, or it this about your individuality and the differences between you and your friends?

When I saw the vid for "Oppa, Oppa" by Eunhae, I was delighted to see their music video and dance along with them.

Wait, I thought we were talking about the Kpop, not Eunhae. Ok, so you like that music video and you dance to it, how does that establish a relationship between you and the Kpop?

That is one reason why I love kpop so much-its infectious positive music that makes you want cavort and dance around. ...

If this is your intro, is that your thesis? If it is, then you only have one reason why you love kpop so much? O.o

I am sorry if this offended to you in anyways, but these are just the things I noticed when I read your intro.
Hopes this help
ayu0006 2  
Dec 24, 2012   #7
sorry but this essay seems to be rather superficial and materialistic. the lack of character in your essay does not display how in the grand scheme of things, k-pop defines or interrelate to who you are as a person.

Instead of elaborating on how k-pop affects your moods which in retrospective has its ups and downs on a daily basis, go a bit more in depth with ie the memories that is provoked with the beat, sound, so on and so forth.

i am a 2ne1, snsd and afterschool stan. *o*
hongyen2192  
Dec 25, 2012   #8
it will better if you add or tell something like evidences or situations in yours daily life what the music effected you to do ( like yours actions), so that the reader can see you really like kpop, not just listing or telling like materials like that. Just saying :)


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