Bowdoin's supplement calls for:
In an effort to understand your interests and aspirations for college, we ask you to select one of the three topics below and provide a response of up to 250 words.
Bowdoin students and alumni often cite world-class faculty and opportunities for intellectual engagement, the College's commitment to the Common Good, and the special quality of life on the coast of Maine as important aspects of the Bowdoin experience.
It took me months to decide which topic to choose and what to write... and I have finally finished my first draft days before the deadline.
I am not completely happy with my essay - it would be really great if anyone here could give me any suggestions on how to make it better. Thank you so much!
Here's my essay (exactly 250 max words):
I actually brainstormed my ending first, then beginning, and then the body. I feel as though my ending is pretty strong but it is VERY wordy: so I would really appreciate any comments about that.
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I have always had a fear of not being able to fit in. I am often very afraid of putting myself out there. Last year, I stepped outside my comfort zone and joined a group called Venture Crew. Initially, I felt as if I did not fit in but later realized that this fear of mine was a result of thinking too much. When you overthink, your mind goes astray; you see what is wrong instead of what is right. Being in Venture Crew has made this perspective so much clearer.
Discovering the Outing Club in Bowdoin and visualizing a myriad of activities brings back a nostalgic feeling of the camping trip in Wildwood State Park. Suddenly I can picture myself once again hiking through the trails overlooking the cliffs to the beach, getting lost as the path grew narrower and narrower until it had soon disappeared. After taking a detour, we found the beach, finally, with the sunset creeping over the horizon. We laid together until dark, singing songs, laughing and smiling so hard until our faces could no longer bear it.
When I envision myself in Bowdoin, whether I am participating in something as adventurous as rafting through the waters of a beautiful lake in Maine, or something as warm and fuzzy as huddling with friends around the midst of a toasty campfire, or even something as simple as taking a deep breath of the fresh, crispy air, I know that there is no place I'd rather be.
Hi,
You may feel like your conclusion is wordy, however you definitely get your point across effectively which in the end is all that matters. As for your first 2 paragraphs they are a bit disconnected.I feel like you don't connect this relationship of venture crew/overcoming the fear and outing club/bowdoin.
All in all, just needs minor tweaking to get your real point across. I feel like i understand what you wrote, but it took me some time to get there.
I actually had a different idea at first, and due to your comment I have written a different introduction:
When you've lived in the city your entire life, you don't exactly have many opportunities to be the outdoorsy, adventurous type. However, trying new possibilities and being out in nature is something I feel passionate about, so I decided to join a group called Venture Crew. Taking on this opportunity has truly made me feel like a different person. I have rearranged the order of what is important to me, as I prioritize bonding with friends, gaining confidence, and trying to find a sense of who I really am.
I hope this can clarify, but I'm not entirely sure :x
