I would like some feedback on my essay. It has room for a few more words if need be. I don't really like how I end it. Any help is welcome! Thanks!
3. In his novel, Let the Great World Spin, Colum McCann writes:
"We seldom know what we're hearing when we hear something for the first time, but one thing is certain: we hear it as we will never hear it again. We return to the moment to experience it, I suppose, but we can never really find it, only its memory, the faintest imprint of what it really was, what it meant."
Tell us about something you heard or experienced for the first time and how the years since have affected your perception of that moment.
My mind raced as I looked down into the muddy blackness of the pond. "What kinds of monsters could be down there? Sharks, snakes, leeches or maybe dinosaurs!" I thought. I didn't want to put a toe into the dark water, let alone swim in it. I could swim well, but, after two years, I was still afraid of putting my face beneath the water. I was afraid of the deep.
Next thing I know, two hands are on my back pushing me into darkness. I sunk beneath the surface and the freezing water numbed my limbs. My heart raced with fear. I opened my eyes and, to my surprise, there were no dinosaurs or snakes in sight. I rushed to the surface to breathe and climbed back onto the dock to rest my excited soul. As I laid down on the dock, scolding my dad for pushing me in, I came to the realization that I had conquered my fear. I had finally gone beneath the water, discovered there weren't any sharks in Farm Pond, and had lived to tell the tale. I had never been as simultaneously excited and afraid as when I had been pushed into the water. To the surprise of my father I quickly jumped right back in ready to enjoy the deep. I loved the weightlessness I felt beneath the water and I began to spin and swim around like a dolphin. This experience began a life-long love of the water.
Who would have thought that I, so scared of the deep end, would have ever become a competitive swimmer? As a coach of many young swimmers at Farm Pond, I often have to deal with children who are afraid of the water. I relay my own experience with overcoming the fear to them and encourage them to try jumping off the dock and, hopefully, learn that there is nothing to be afraid of. Though he did not mean to, my father taught me with this experience that sometimes, to get over something, all you need is a little push. I can apply this to my future endeavors and help others with this advice.
Overall, this is a solid essay. A pretty good hook and the flow is good as well.
For the end, I would just take out the last sentence. The tone of it doesn't connect well with the rest of the paragraph and it seems unnecessary.
the "all you need is a little push" should be a better ending to your essay.
