I would appreciate it if someone could proofread my Williams College supplement essay. Thank you in advance.
Prompt:
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.
My Essay:
My Fear of Dragons
I look through the pane glass window at the large maple tree in the backyard. I open the window and stick my head outside to see what's happening. Blades rippled through the nothingness of air, hacking at the bushes. It surged towards the window, slicing my entire body, chilling it. I stood there numb looking at the soot-filled skies. Gazing at the groves, I wondered why everything was grey, why the leaves were crimson red. The trees were charred as if something had set it ablaze. All the trees were on "fire". I hear a roar, "It's a monster!" Its drool trickled against my body, soaking me. Mom reassured me that I'd be fine. Nothing was going to eat me; it was just a thunderstorm. She sent me to bed and I fell asleep, unconvinced, and still frightened.
Sirens roar; my arm extends to silence it... just my alarm. Springing out of bed, I hustle to brush my teeth and get dressed for school. Mom urges me to eat breakfast. As I reluctantly ate my meal, I suddenly hear a noise, perhaps sirens, my alarm? No. I muster up the courage to open the pane glass window, and rest my palms along the sill. My fingers clutch the edge as I lean outwards into the storm. I see cumulonimbus clouds gathering together. Ravenous gusts envelop me, invigorating my skin with goose bumps. Rain drops tinge along my face and arms, tightening my muscles. The large maple tree's leaves whittled with the rust of autumn. Ten years have passed, but I know the dragon is still out there. Mom chuckles idly, "Aren't you afraid? It'll eat you." I give her a smirk. I hear an explosion, a roar, and laugh... It's coming and this time I'm ready.
Word Count: 300
This essay is so touching and creative!
The word "cumulonimbus" in the second paragraph doesn't flow too well, it looks good that you know the type of cloud but maybe using the more common "thunderstorm cloud" or describing the anvil shape of it's top would work better.
Overall, this essay shows that you can write. You use very good language to open up a world in front of the reader's eyes and the way you compared the thunderstorm to a dragon was just so unique and creative!
One thing is missing though, I am having trouble pin pointing the personal trait you're going for. Is it your ability to overcome fear? Maybe you can add a little about the personal quality you're trying to show by the essay.
I wanted to show how I could grow up, conquer a fear... and still keep my imagination. However, I see what you're saying; as it is right now, the main focus of the essay is a tad vague and up for interpretation. Thanks for your comments and I'll make the changes you suggested!
