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'fear and paranoia had closed my lips' - USC, personal statement


StevenWong206 5 / 13 2  
Jan 4, 2012   #1
USC personal statement prompt:

In approximately one paragraph (given 3500 characters), please address the following prompt:

Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first- and second-choice major selections.

My eyes were wide open, fear and paranoia had closed my lips, and my body was sweating fumes that lured life robbers to my helpless soul as I walk through my community, South Seattle, Washington. My broken and crude sword of my mouth has made me weak, thus being preyed on by the powerful men in power, like the police department. From growing up in my neighborhood, I learned that the sidewalks of my city are more than just regular cement; they are a part of history, a foundation of capricious battlegrounds and revolutions. I grew up with police sirens as my music, and been mugged for my weary belongings as a norm in my community. However, there was one scene that I have witnessed that seemed to spark my passion; to be a lawyer for social righteousness. A couple of years ago, I saw a police officer manhandle, and punch a young woman in the face as a punishment for jaywalking, right next to my high school. I conformed to the crowd, silenced by the vicious and malignant actions of the police officer. Because of this and many other situations of excessive force, the Seattle police department is being investigated by the Justice department. But as I contemplated the punch and mistreatment enforced by the officer, I suddenly learned that silence is worse than all the violence; fear is an undesirable pestilent that controls our mind to be weak. This new intellect had sharpened the blade of my mouth; I dreamed that I stood up and slashed the officer's excessive force with my sharp speeches, and stopped his brutality. But as a novice in the art of assertive communication and voice needed for a lawyer, I hopefully will learn how to wield the sword of my mouth to fight for social justice - and the battle zones of my community, at the University of Southern California.
janeth 3 / 16  
Jan 4, 2012   #2
You have a good thing going but i'm not sure about your verbs...Again,some words like seemed make you seem undecided of sorts..your sentences are too long without moderation.
OP StevenWong206 5 / 13 2  
Jan 5, 2012   #3
Thanks a lot, as you are the only helper for this essay haha. But yes, I like your edits, but it seems that your re-write is multiple paragraphs, and the prompt says only one paragraph, but I guess I can just combine it all. And again, thanks for your edits, I will be using some of your edits, since I want to keep this 'genuinely me', and not other people's words. But thanks a lot.


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