prompt:- Tell us about one interest or experience of yours that allows us to get to know you better as an individual. Please limit your response to approximately 300 words.
essay:- When I went to Sydney,Australia last summer to visit my cousins, I had a phenomenal experience. It was so beautiful, breathtaking, and a lively city. Sydney was where I got rid of a fear of mine. When I was there, my cousins and I went to the beach. I was a little nervous as beaches were my fear since I was a little girl. I always used to think that if I go into the ocean, a shark would take me away and eat me alive. But, that childish angst in me had gone away when I was there. The ocean was very pretty in its majestic blue color. All the people there were having such a good time. I was jealous of them as they got to do something I couldn't do. But, then my cousin, Neil came and dragged me into the waters. I couldn't believe it. I was fully in the ocean and all it took was a little push from my cousin. "You shouldn't let your fear take over your pleasure", he said. I had to agree with him. All this time, I really wanted to go into the ocean, but my fear had taken over me. But, this time in Sydney, I learned my lesson.
does my essay go with the essay topic? I used this same essay for another college and was wondering if I should do the same with this college too.
You overcame your fear of the ocean. It does go with the topic. But I feel you could elaborate a little more on how you overcame that fear. Devote a few more sentences to it. And use words like 'determined','persevered', show how YOU overcame that fear; not by a simple push from your cousin.
There are a few minor grammatical errors in your essay. Tell me if this is your final draft. I'll correct them for you. All the best :)
