Prompt: Using the quotation below as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world:
''Some questions cannot be answered./ They become familiar weights in the hand,/ Round stones pulled from the pocket, unyielding and cool.''
It has been said that a man is defined by his fears; I am by no means an exception. As such I am defined by my fear of time. I shirk thoughts of the future but not because I fear the unknown. I fear lost time. With every passing minute I am burdened with thoughts of what I could have done, ways I could have been more productive, and opportunities I missed out on. It is this incessant cycle of qualms which defines me above all else.
I once had a lengthy conversation with a good friend about this issue; he is an optimistic Chinese immigrant, bright with the excitement of being in a land of opportunity and overcoming adversity, a cockeyed optimist. Our conversation, although at the time seemingly small, climaxed with 6 words that would have a snowball effect for the next two years. We talked about sports, then school, then our future, until the words "I love time" blurted out of his mouth. I was taken back, it was this moment I had all of a sudden realized my fear of time, I couldn't comprehend what he was trying to say and I told him "I fear time." At this moment we both went silent, trying to empathize with the other. After this we both instinctively let the conversation change course. However that moment still rings in my mind.
I started writing this essay with the sentiment that my fear of time which led me in becoming an efficient, hard working student is what defined me above all else and was the most pivotal moment in my life. However now that I am nearing the end I see that this essay is proving to be an even more significant moment. Before approaching this prompt I was certain that I had a correct ideology, but now I'm thinking in an entirely different way. With every keystroke I enter I realize more and more flaws in my mentality and how I approach the world. I was asked to talk about an experience that changed how I approached the world, this is that experience. I now do not fear time, nor do I love it. Instead I have come to understand time the best that I can. Time has become my unyielding stone, smooth, cool; I hold it in my hand and readily embrace what it has in store for me.
I understand your disdain for time. Take heart, though, because it does not really go by. Time stays right where it is, as a concept in the mind. All there is is motion; no such thing as time.
I think you should use six instead of 6.
I love the sentence about the cockeyed optimist, and the other readers of this essay will, too!
Great job with this! Personal examples of reminders about time, episodes of thinking, would help... for example, you can verify your claim of being preoccupied with time... you can verify it by giving another anecdote before the one about the conversation with your friend. You can talk about how, for example, in elementary school you were learning basic math and discovered that a life of 80 years is only 960 months... wow, that is interesting...
By giving a little example like that, you can make it seem more credible. It is already very good.
Thanks for the advice, I will think about how I can add a bit of personal info.
Anyone have any harsh criticism? :)
Hi Hashem,
I agree with Kevin and think you have made some great headway here. However, I think your closing paragraph could use some work:
"I started writing this essay with the sentiment that my fear of time which led me in becoming an efficient, hard working student is what defined me above all else and was the most pivotal moment in my life. However now that I am nearing the end I see that this essay is proving to be an even more significant moment. Before approaching this prompt I was certain that I had a correct ideology, but now I'm thinking in an entirely different way. With every keystroke I enter I realize more and more flaws in my mentality and how I approach the world. I was asked to talk about an experience that changed how I approached the world, this is that experience. I now do not fear time, nor do I love it. Instead I have come to understand time the best that I can. Time has become my unyielding stone, smooth, cool; I hold it in my hand and readily embrace what it has in store for me."
I find the first sentence confusing and difficult to parse--simplify it. I also think the 2nd paragraph 'tries too hard.' Because you cite time as one of your biggest fears, it seems unreasonable to suggest this essay catalyzed a major epiphany.
You might show how you have already slowly begun to reevaluate time--not as a limitation, but as an opportunity. Not a barrier, but a window. You still feel the gravity of time and missed opportunities, but you use it to fuel your dreams and goals. As Kevin suggested, incorporate some additional examples to give more color to your writing.
The quote is rather heavy and unyielding in my opinion, it demands a certain level of serious philosophical contemplation. However, the full prompt does not necessarily prohibit optimism, "...tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world." There is opportunity to show a greater sense of hope and energy here!
So, I would work on developing your conclusion and maybe give more color and life to your intro. Do you acknowledge your fear of time as rather neurotic? Is it truly a fear--or is it a question? How does this fear really manifest in your life--in funny or unusual neurotic ways? Just try to find a balance between meditative/reflective and creative/authentic. I almost feel as though your essay is an intellectual challenge to the prompt or quotation, when the quotation should only be a 'jumping off point.'
Just a few thoughts.
Cheers,
Janson
Thanks for the input. I am working on a paragraph that shows the effect this fear has had on my life.
Regarding my closing paragraph I rewrote the first sentence as follows:
I started writing this essay with the sentiment that my fear of time defined me above all else and was the most pivotal moment in my life, that it had led me in becoming an efficient, hard working student; but now that I am nearing the end of my long journey in writing this essay I realize that drafting this essay is proving to be an even more significant moment . Before approaching this prompt I was certain that I had a correct ideology, but now I'm thinking in an entirely different way. When I was posed with the question on what significant moment had changed my outlook on life I began reflecting, with every keystroke I entered I realized more and more flaws in my mentality and how I approached the world. I was asked to talk about an experience that changed how I approached the world, this is that experience. I now do not fear time, nor do I love it. Instead I have come to understand time the best that I can. Time has become my unyielding stone, smooth, cool; I hold it in my hand and readily embrace what it has in store for me."
I would appreciate if you could let me know more of what about my conclusion you felt needed work.
My main thought is that your conclusion is too high level, too broad. I want to get at more of the specific details, the idiosyncracies involved with your fear of time. Do you prefer digital clocks/watches? Are deadlines and relay races exceedingly anxiety-inducing? :) Neurotic can be interesting, unusual, even funny...so reveal more.
From my perspective, undergraduate essays should show your ability to reflect (you have a natural ability there), and also humanize you.
You might actually add some specific examples/color to your introductory paragraph. Or perhaps include examples of how you feared time in your intro--and then in the conclusion--show how you have started to embrace it and welcome those fears. Balance your thoughtful meditation with authentic, interesting humanity--be you!
I think you have done some great work, and it's ultimately your choice on the tone you'd like to set with this essay.
Cheers,
Janson
