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"Fear can be your worst enemy" - help lenghtening/editing essay. 200 more words.


adil2000 2 / 5  
Feb 21, 2016   #1
Fear can be your worst enemy.
"Breath in. Breath out," I told myself repeatedly. I looked down but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I may have only been 40 feet in the air but it looked like 400 feet.

Ahead of me lie an open expanse. An open expanse I had to jump across in order to reach the other side. While it was probably only 4 feet long it seemed as if it extended forever. "Surely I was going to die if I jumped into that endless pit," I thought. I spent what seemed like an eternity just staring at what lie ahead of me until I looked back and saw two people waiting behind me. I knew I had to get moving so I mustered up all the courage that I had and took the jump.

"Wait no! I can't jump that far," I thought.
Everything was a blur. I could feel my stomach flip and the whole world turned black. I felt like my mind was spinning in a world of darkness. Then, in an instant, I opened up my eyes and looked down. I was hanging in mid-air about 35 feet off the ground thanks to my safety harness. Soon enough I was being pulled back up to the ropes course by the climber behind me.

I didn't commit to my actions. Filled with fear, I hesitated at the last second, and looking back that is what kept me from making it across. It may not be the most life-changing experience, but that instant definitely helped shape my character for years to come. In that flash I learned an important lesson-to be adventurous, because often times fear is the only thing holding one back. Since then, I've been much more willing to take a chance on life, and try new things. From trying out the ghost pepper infused "Fiery Ghost Style Tavern Double" on a dare from my friends at Red Robin to starting the risky sleeper pick in Fantasy Football, adventure has been one of my life's mottos. It might even be what is bringing me to write this essay and apply for early entrance into college today.

Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Feb 21, 2016   #2
Hi Adil! Okay, so, in this essay you have some great storytelling. You definitely paint a vivid picture and if this is the direction that you choose to go, I suggest being even more vivid and descriptive. However, I'm not sure what the purpose of this essay is. Nothing about it reads "undergraduate" but that's the subject you have listed it under. This has me wondering what the purpose of this essay is. If it's an entrance/ admissions essay, it's definitely lacking information about you. Only at the end of this essay you discuss college, and you do so incredibly briefly.

Was there a prompt or instructions for this essay? What are you writing it for? Without knowing this there isn't much I can say, but I do have some suggestions. Firstly, I think it might be helpful to discuss more about you. What are your goals? What are your plans? What are your achievements? This needs to be more focused on you, and how this college is going to help you achieve the things you want. What do you want to get out of your education? What makes you a good candidate for this school? What experiences and accomplishments have you had that have prepared you?

If you're going to discuss being adventurous, I think it should tie in to how being adventurous will relate in college and beyond, in your chosen career or future plans. Also, I'm not sure how adventurous the things that you've described are. A sleeper pick and a spicy burger (which you don't even mention it is a burger, by the way) aren't all that impactful. Bungee jumping/ zip lining/ that adventure course is adventurous.

I did spot some errors in wording, grammar, punctuation etc... that need correcting, but I'd rather focus on content first. Let me know if you'd like to see that feedback.
OP adil2000 2 / 5  
Feb 21, 2016   #3
Thanks for the feedback. Sorry for not including the prompt, here it is "Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it."
Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Feb 21, 2016   #4
Oh, thanks for posting that so quickly. So yeah, for the rest of your essay, you could focus on how being adventurous and what you learned in that experience translates into making you a successful college student. Also, beyond college, how will being adventurous help you be successful in your field? Is it because you're not afraid to try crazy things? Or maybe you're not afraid to do simple things, like admit when you are wrong or need help. Actually, I'd think about how you can tie in being adventurous to being fearless. What will you not be afraid of in college? what adventurous things will you do? Your story is meaningless if you don't include why it's important or how being this way has changed you for the better as a college student, not just as a fantasy football player or burger eater. Adventure doesn't have to be huge and crazy, true. So what small things will you do to create adventure? How will you cultivate adventure in relation to your goals and future?

Also, watch your tenses. I noticed in your essay you go from present to past tense a lot. Pick one and make sure the whole thing is either in present or past tense. Either "I looked down, then I jumped" or "I look down, then I jump. "
OP adil2000 2 / 5  
Feb 21, 2016   #5
Thanks you so much for all the help @hiddengrace. I've written a revised version trying to Incorporate everything you have mentioned:

Fear can be your worst enemy.
It was a warm, breezy day in mid-July. One of those rare days in Seattle where the skies are clear and the sun is shining. I was going into seventh grade, and was on a field trip as a part of a summer camp that I was attending. Over the first few days of the camp I had made some friends going into eighth and ninth grade, and our first field trip was going to be to Camp Warm Beach. All of my friends were excited about the high ropes course but I was more inclined towards swimming in the pool or going canoeing. In the end, I did not want to be the only one of my friends who was not on the high ropes course, so I agreed to it anyway. From the moment I climbed up into the trees I was trembling, with my heart beating just as fast as my hands were shaking. As I walked across the tightrope I was singing songs in my head to distract myself from the obstacles at hand. I did not dare to look down. That was until I reached the leap of faith.

"Breath in. Breath out," I told myself repeatedly. I looked down but I could not bring myself to do it. I may have only been 40 feet in the air but it looked like 400 feet. I could see the people below me, mere ants from my point of view.

Ahead of me lie an open expanse. An open expanse I had to jump across in order to reach the other side. While it was probably only 4 feet long it seemed as if it extended forever. "Surely I was going to die if I jumped into that endless pit," I thought. I spent what seemed like an eternity just staring at what lie ahead of me until I looked back and saw two people waiting behind me. I knew I had to get moving so I mustered up all the courage that I had and took the jump.

"Wait no! I can't jump that far," I thought.
Everything was a blur. I could feel my stomach flip and the whole world turned black. I felt like my mind was spinning in a world of darkness. Then, in an instant, I opened up my eyes and looked down. I was hanging in mid-air about 35 feet off the ground thanks to my safety harness. Soon enough I was being pulled back up to the ropes course by the climber behind me.

In that flash I learned an important lesson-to be adventurous, because often times fear is the only thing holding one back. Since then, I have been much more willing to take a chance on life, and try new things. This is a lesson that has changed me from a young age, and has undoubtedly prepared me for the world that lies ahead. Now, I know not to let any fears get in my way. My character has shifted dramatically, and my newfound, forward-thinking mindset may be what is allowing me to apply for college today, two years in advance. I am ready to take all opportunities presented, from research positions, to key internships, to participation at clubs on campus. Even the little things, like asking the professor for help after class or attending extra study sessions, I am prepared for what college has to offer.
OP adil2000 2 / 5  
Feb 21, 2016   #6
I'd love to hear any feedback or grammar edits to the version I posted above :)


Home / Undergraduate / "Fear can be your worst enemy" - help lenghtening/editing essay. 200 more words.