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"feeding the homeless" - Personally Significant contribution in community


kcoop29 2 / 4  
Dec 1, 2010   #1
What do you think of this essay personally? does it fully meet the requirements and is there any way i can improve this

Topic: In approximately 250 words, tell us about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community through your participation in one of the activities you listed under ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP on this application. This personal statement is required. Since you are applying online, you must submit your statement with this application in the space provided.

Being heavily entailed in a community is an arduous job. Not only is one creating a balancing act between their studies but it shows that one is cable to manage time wisely to maneuver an effective service projects to benefit not only oneself but their community. Through the various activities that I am deeply involved in, feeding the homeless was the most consequential contribution I have ever committed thus far. Being an active member of my school's Key club provides myriads of opportunities to provide and assist to my community with equally committed peers with identical aspirations to enhance our community. By partaking in this event to provide for the citizens who suffer from poverty, it has provided educational experience not only morally but as well knowledgeably. By attaining insight of all circumstances by witnessing it on a first-hand base has allowed me to realistically observe all situations in life outside of my home and high school. Witnessing the grateful expressions on those less fortunate has allowed me to reevaluate and reflect on the typical normal minute possessions I wound generally neglect on the daily bases. This experience willingly forced me to become more appreciative of what life has provided. Assuring a commencing pledge from that vary experience to continue my journey to provide and assist my community but to also educate and stress to future generations the importance of community service activities. Not only will it affect oneself at the very moment but it can create a catalyst affect in the many lives of tomorrow.
student123 4 / 13  
Dec 1, 2010   #2
knowledgeably as well - reworded it.

it is a very good essay that i do feel meets the prompt. and your final statement is good.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 16, 2010   #3
I don't think entailed is the right word here.

Being heavily entailed in a community is an arduous job. Choose a different way to explain the job.

Not only is one creating a balancing act between their studies and community work, but also manag ing time wisely to maneuver an effective service projects to benefit not only oneself but their the community. ----Keep it simple so that it is not a lot of work for the reader to read it.

This experience willingly naturally forced me to become more appreciative of what life has provided.----willingly means something different. "Although I am not required to do so, I willingly correct mistakes in the essay."

Assuring a commencing pledge from that vary experience to I will continue my journey to provide and assist my community but to also and stress to future generations the importance of community service activities. Not only will it affect oneself at the very moment but it can also create a catalyst ...

Use use "not many ---> but also" too much. Only use it once in each essay. :-)


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