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i feel as if this is the BEST.. how about you?(personal statement)


lavender17 1 / 1  
Nov 5, 2010   #1
Sharieff Clayton has had ups and downs and ins and outs in his life time. Mr. Clayton is a wonderful father of three, ambitious strong black man, and a successful urban novelist. But he is also married so NO ideas ladies, perhaps gentlemen! Mr. Clayton has showed me what strength looks like and what love feels like, this man is my father, and holds the greatest influence in my life.

Two months before I was born, at the tender age of 18, my dad was sentenced to ten to twenty one years in prison. Life then gave him two options, to either become a "dead beat dad" and continue going down the path of destruction or make lemonade out of lemons and make positive changes within his life. I am thankful that my dad chose option two, therefore becoming a positive force in my life.

My dad was released from prison on February 16, 2007. I was barely fourteen and was not prepared for the changes of the next three years to follow. Thankfully my dad was prepared to help me deal with my challenges. My sophomore year in high school put me through a lot of trials and tribulations. If it wasn't stressful at school, it was definitely stressful at home. At the time I was living with my mother in Staten Island and nothing seemed to click between her and me. There was no connection or positive energy in the house hold, and I began to rebel against her and anything she wished of me. For example, I stopped taking school as serious and my grades began to drop drastically. Just as I found myself on a slow path of self destruction, my dad interjected as if he was superman and saved me from the joker, which were all of the negative influences in my life that were keeping me from reaching my fullest potential academically, emotionally, and socially. He did everything in his power to help improve my behavior and academic performance. We would have long nights to early morning study sessions and perform last minute home improvements on my school projects. Due to my dad's dedication and persistence in helping me reach my fullest potential, I became a first time merit honor roll student. This was the first time in a long time that I was so proud of myself. I now believed in myself, and knew that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. My grades are continuing to improve and I plan to graduate from Bedford Academy as an honor roll student.

My father has been a great role model and has taught me invaluable lessons. One profound lesson is that people make mistakes however it is crucial to take ownership and try your best to make it right. And that is exactly what I did, I once was a failing student, but realized that was not the path I wanted to take, and now I am on the honor roll. My next big hurdle is college, and there is no doubt that I will succeed and make my superman proud.
Goodbyehello 1 / 1  
Nov 5, 2010   #2
This is my first time giving feedback on such a site, so I'm not that great; however, I'll give you some grammatical feedback.

I am thankful that my dad chose option two, [and] therefore becoming a positive force in my life.

my dad interjected as if he was uperman and saved me from the [J]oker, which [was (because it modifies Joker, which is singular)] all of the negative influences in my life that were keeping me from reaching my fullest potential academically, emotionally, and socially.

One profound lesson is that people make mistakes[;] however[,] it is crucial to take ownership and try your best to make it right. And (not usually good to start with conjunction at the beginning of a sentence) that is exactly what I did[.] I once was a failing student, but realized that was not the path I wanted to take, and now I am on the honor roll. My next big hurdle is college, and there is no doubt that I will succeed and make my uperman proud.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 14, 2010   #3
Welcome, Aleah and Gina!

trials and tribulations. ---Find a more unique way to say this. It is a cliche.

the household one word, not two.

For example, I stopped taking school as seriously and my grades began to drop drastically.

Capitalize:
... The Joker, who was represented b y all of the negative...

How about a little more discussion of your long term goals!!??

:-)
lanes 5 / 33  
Nov 14, 2010   #4
I think your essay has a great intro, and i love the theme about your dad. Without making it too long why dont you go into more detail on how things were at home with your mom, and why you two didnt get along do well. Also be WAY more specific on the things your dad did to help you and ESPECIALLY how it make you feel...
OP lavender17 1 / 1  
Nov 26, 2010   #5
THANK YOU GUYS! i will do the best i can


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