There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.
In my case, there are not one, but many communities that helped make me the person I am today. However, there are a few memorable experiences that had the strongest influence on me. One of these experiences occurred when I was in the third grade in the town of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A neighborhood bully was chasing me around the apartments. Just then, my friend stepped in front of him and told him to stop. He said, "How would you feel if you were in his shoes?" Seeing that my friend's mom was watching through a nearby window, the bully decided to leave. I was amazed, and at the same time I felt a surge of gratitude flow through me. I believe that statement left a permanent mark in my character. Ever since, I have often found myself asking that question in many situations, and it can be seen through my benevolence towards my friends. I always try to help my friends whenever I can, whether it involves borrowing lunch money or giving a ride home after-school. Why? Because I know I would want their help if I were in the same situation.
There's nothing wrong with the content of your essay but then I hoped the person who stopped the bully was you...It would be better if you write about you doing something....
good luck
Not so sure about this. It seems OK.
I think you should write more about your environment.
You were bullied, but that's it. (Unless you write that you getting bullied was the epitome of your whole life.)
Write about something that's distinctive to you.
I would come up with a new topic... It wouldn't hurt to write a new one..
Hope this helps, and good luck! :D
^^
Yeah, ditto. I feel like you should change the topic too.
If you still decide on using this piece:
I think you mean lending, not borrowing?
I'm not sure; this may sound kind of lame but instead of the last sentence, you can connect it with the influential quote said by your friend and something about being in their shoes.
Also, I feel as if you should maybe tell a story instead of just saying flat out, a bully was chasing me. But that's just my two cents. haha
Other than that, structurally and gramatically, it seems fine.
OK, thank you for the help! I had another topic in mind too, I'll try writing about that instead and posting it up.
In my case, there are not one, but many communities that helped make me the person I am today. However, there are a few memorable experiences that had the strongest influence on me. One of these experiences occurred when I was in the third grade in the town of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A neighborhood bully was chasing me around the apartments. Just then, my friend stepped in front of him and told him to stop. He said, "How would you feel if you were in his shoes?" Seeing that my friend's mom was watching through a nearby window, the bully decided to leave. I was amazed, and at the same time I felt a surge of gratitude flow through me. I believe that statement left a permanent mark in my character. Ever since, I have often found myself asking that question in many situations, and it can be seen through my benevolence towards my friends. I always try to help my friends whenever I can, whether it involves borrowing lunch money or giving a ride home after-school. Why? Because I know I would want their help if I were in the same situation.
This is a great story! Like the other people said, though, present this as a demonstration of what your environent was like. A good intro sentence can establish this story as a portrayal of your environment. Then, at the end, you can invest one ot two more sentences in describing the environment itself, and the interplay of hostility and compassion, as illustrated by this story...
