Alright, I had to choose to answer two questions. The first prompt I'm answering asks 'if there was a bump in the road in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances'. There was a 'bump in the road, which actually caused my grades to plumet sophmore year, and carried onto first semester of junior year. Here is why. Any advice would be great. I need to write a very good essay, only can be 250 words.Please and thank you!
I couldn't get over that feeling of being dead weight. I attempted to be calm as I comprehended I couldn't help him. The doctors couldn't, the medicine couldn't, and the therapy couldn't. He had cancer, which was eating away at him in painful steps, and he soon found that his life was coming to an end. He recognized it and was willing to greet his death with open arms, knowing his ending was inevitable. I, however, refused to grasp that. Herb was a second father to me, someone who was almost equally as important as my own father. My childhood memories were painted with recollections of him, and I began to consider him a permanent fixture in my life. Then the cancer appeared. I tried to remain strong, to show hope, but his ending was already decided for him. He left the world, and my grades plummeted drastically, finding it difficult to concentrate on anything but him my sophomore year. During my junior year, I grieved over the past, and I tried to disregard what happened. You can close your eyes to what you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to what you don't want to feel. I am unquestionably strong, having dealt with a death my past two years of high school. I've now learned to not let such things affect academics and social life, and to overcome adversity. After experiencing this, there are times I will trip up a bit, but you will never see me fall.
Any advice is great:)
I couldn't get over that feeling of being dead weight. I attempted to be calm as I comprehended, I couldn't help him. The doctors couldn't, the medicine couldn't, and the therapy couldn't. TOO WORDY He had cancer, which was eating away at him in painful steps, and he soon found that his life was coming to an end,h e recognized it and was willing to greet his death with open arms, knowing his ending was inevitable. I, however, refused to grasp that. Herb was a second father to me, someone who was almost equally as important as my own father. My childhood memories were painted with recollections of him, and I began to consider him a permanent fixture in my life. Then the cancer appeared. I tried to remain strong, to show hope, but his ending was already decided for him. He left the world, and my grades plummeted drastically, finding it difficult to concentrate on anything but him my sophomore year. During my junior year, I grieved over the past, and I tried to disregard what happened. You can close your eyes to what you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to what you don't want to feel. IS THIS A QUOTE? I am unquestionably strong, having dealt with a death my past two years of high school. I've now learned to not let such things affect academics and social life, and to overcome adversity. After experiencing this, there are times I will trip up a bit, but you will never see me fall. GREAT CONCLUSION
You can close your eyes to what you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to what you don't want to feel.
Great writing here...
I am unquestionably strong, having dealt with a death my past two years of high school.
I like the sentence structure.
Well, if I am to criticize, I'll say you used a few melodramatic phrases... like, you will not see me fall.... and... well... it will be a harder hitting essay if you do not let your sentences get too dramatic. As it is now, I love it.
Here is an error:
He left the world, and my grades plummeted drastically, finding it difficult to concentrate on anything but him my sophomore year.---This says your grades find it difficult to concentrate. So... restructure this sentence! :-)
