This is my very first draft.
Alighting from the navy blue Peugeot 408 car, after the burial of my mother, Pastor Elijah's words at the graveside; "dust to dust" kept echoing in my ears. I was 15, two weeks to the start of my high school final exams, and the date was April 10, 2013. My mom and spring of life: Hassana Helen, like a felled tree, died a week before. A sad event that abruptly turned my cocoon of childhood into an exposed world of adults. Then, I looked into the future of grown-ups, so lost.
As I entered the house, at about noon that Monday, it felt so empty. I looked towards the patio and saw father sitting alone; he hurts so deep. Being a Commodore in the Navy and a veteran of the civil war in Liberia, he tried to be strong, but kept mumbling with rhetoric; "Is my wife dead or is someone playing a joke on me."
Adebanjo, I am thinking that you are trying to relate an event in your life that relates to your transition from childhood to adulthood within your family, or community. Am I right? If that is the prompt that I have to say the following; that being the case, I have to tell you that the essay does not depict anything that shows us how your mother's death affected you in such a way that you had to suddenly mature. The sadness that you felt, the emptiness, even the distracted attitude of your father, are all elements of mourning, but not a trait of maturity in a person.
Towards the end of the essay, you began to speak of the leadership stories that your mother used to tell you about. But there was nothing in your previous actions that will prove that you truly began becoming an adult either by taking on adult responsibilities or undertaking an adult outlook in life. There is actually no connection between your previous story about your mother's death and its effect upon you with the story of leadership that you were recounting. Now if the essay prompt is on a different topic, then present it in this thread so that your essay can be evaluated for content and relevance once again. Right now, the essay does not seem to be answering the implied prompt properly.
Now here is another approach to the common application essay.
On Easter Sunday in 2013, my mother went into coma and passed away a day after. Shockingly, she was not ill, had no previous health issues, and was never clinically diagnosed of any sickness. My mother and my pillar: Hassana Helen, like a felled tree, surrendered to death on that Easter Monday. Looking at her body, being lowered to "mother earth," I realized how naïve I was to believe that she was infallible and that she will always be around to shepherd me. But, aroused by the echoes of the pastor's elegy; "dust to dust," I stepped into the realm of responsibility, maturity and leadership of the grown-up so uncertain. I was 15, two weeks to the start of my high school final exams, when the sad incident that suddenly split the cocoon of my childishness to expose the world of adults, occurred.
Though I assisted mom with house chores, and cleaning dishes after supper, now it was my responsibility to take care of the family. The family needed me to run the house as they seem so devastated by her death. My dad, a proud veteran of the civil war in Liberia, also fell ill and was hospitalized for several weeks. He kept mumbling with rhetoric; "Is my wife dead or is someone playing a joke on me," Knowing how much my parents loved and cared for me when I was younger, I did the essential things that bonded the family: shopping for grocery, paying bills, tracking the family budget, and assisting my sibling with their homework. Besides, I ensured that the chores were equitably shared among my siblings, which encouraged them to contribute to the running of the house. Even after my father returned from the hospital, I remained the cheerleader, motivating every member of my family with praises and encouragements. The family later joined the community in general clearing of gutters and anti-malaria campaign. The responsibility of taking care of my dad and siblings, despite having to prepare for my final school exams, rested on my lean shoulders as adulthood beckons to me.
In retrospect, my original desire for embracing adulthood was to have fun while traversing the latitude of maturity gracefully until I realized the opportunities I must forgo. Then I grumbled, not excited that I must share my study time with activities such as; shopping for grocery, cooking, and doing laundry. Not to mention, my dad who was a struggle to calm down each time he became hysterical. As the burden increases with each passing moment, I remembered how my mother always quote Benjamin Franklin's "Lost time is never found again" each she wanted me to stop procrastinating on my study. Before the tragic incident, I had planned to study hard, so as to remain focused on obtaining good grades in the nine subjects I was to be tested on at my final high school exams. Hence, the day after her interment, I left the sad event behind and focused on my future. I picked my text books and studied for seven hours daily for the next one month. My choice that day changed me, like a butterfly, from a child in his cocoon to immediate maturity. I became an adult who would mentor others to succeed no matter the challenges of life.
Undoubtedly, caring for my family that spring was challenging, yet it was an enduring leadership experience. I started this leadership lesson one afternoon, when I found a book by Robert Greenleaf titled; "Servant leadership", in my dad's library. This book taught me, among others, to always put the needs of others first, and to help people develop so that they can perform as highly as possible. The knowledge acquired from the book, molded my approach to leadership as I managed the home in daddy's absence. During this period, for instance, I did all that was necessary to make my siblings forget about the tragic loss of our mom. Sometimes I condescend to clowning, joking and fooling around, even when it was stressful doing so. On many occasions we watched mom's favorite movies; "The Apprentice" by Donald Trump. My favorite moment of all, was when I narrated my internship experience at the Nigerian Economic Summit Group to my siblings, and they giggled over many office comedies. With the death of my mom; I learnt to be composed, less selfish, and to manage my fears, a chain of actions that broke the shell of naiveté.
Considering the chain of actions in last one year, I now know the level of responsibilities, maturity and leadership expected of grownups. All the while, I believed that freedom to choose without parental guidance makes one an adult, but I have learnt that adulthood demands putting the needs and development of others before my own. The demise of my mother, though agonizing, midwife this important lesson on adulthood and revealed the adult I hope to become in college. As Freddy Adu, a Ghanaian Athlete, stressed when he said; "I think everything happens for a reason and all the things that happened, good or bad, I'm glad they did. It's made me ready for life, for adulthood."
Dear Vangiespen,
I am really struggling with writing a good essay, and looking at your contributions online, I will appreciate any correction of my grammar mistakes, tone and suggestion on how to develop my theme. Please check my second draft, English is my second language, hope I get help on this forum.
Essay prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal,that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Adebanjo, the essay just lacks an emotional connection that you can create with the reader. Maybe it is because of the way the essay is written as a matter of fact. Maybe it is because you failed to actually connect the essay with your emotional and intellectual growth. I am trying to put my finger on it at the moment but I am unable to do so because I keep going back to the redundancy of your essay. You could have told us that your mother, the pillar of your strength had died in one simple sentence. Instead you harp on it by repeating it twice at the beginning of the essay. Then you beat around the bush by constantly telling us about how you had to take responsibility for your family and how you did it. An essay like this requires more than just you going through the motions. You need to make us believe that you realized the need for a transformation on your part, you began to transform, and eventually, that you successfully transformed into an adult. Unless you are able to do that, the essay will remain unsuccessful.
