What has appealed to you most about your science experience in high school? Why would you like to study science at the Biotech Institute this summer, and what will you hope to gain by the experience? (limit 1 type-written page)
When I walked into my seventh grade Life Science class on the first day of school, I felt a small spark kindle inside me. I felt in awe as I looked at the big colorful posters of DNA, mitosis, and SEM images. Since then, my passion for biology has continued to gradually grow and develop. There wasn't any single event that instantly inspired me to pursue biology. Rather, it was the accumulation of classes everyday, the discussions, and labs and simulation activities I participated in in both middle and high school.
It was pleasent reading your essay. I don't think there are any grammar or misuse of words as far as I can tell. The only thing I would like to suggest is to provide a specific dream. For exaple, what do you want to do when you accumulated enough data on biotechnology? You only expressed what you want to do, but what is your entire objective? I think putting your goal, dream, objecetive would be lot more inspiring. Other than that, fantastic work!
What appealed to you about Science in high school is very evident in this essay. What you need to clarify, is how you plan to further expand upon that inspiration during your time at the summer program. I am sure that there is a portion of Biotechnology that appeals to you the most and that you will definitely wish to pursue further if given the chance to do so. I strongly recommend that you present any possible summer project that you wish to pursue during your time at the institute. Having a definite plan of action to pursue, in accordance with the reasons you are interested in science will help to strengthen your application. Don't submit a generic essay like the one you have now. Let them know that you are deadly serious about attending this summer camp and that you have specific reasons for doing so. That will appeal to them more than just a simple narrative about the development of your interest in science. Develop a project, discuss how you hope the institute can help you research it, then inform them about how you hope to complete the simple research over the summer. That should work well for you :-)
Hi thanks so much for your suggestions! I edited the second paragraph and changed it to 2 separate paragraphs. I've highlighted my changes in blue. What do you think?
I feel that this is a good opportunity for me to learn more about the field of biotechnology and what it is like to have a career in this area. I want to learn about all the new lab technologies that can be used to solve problems that would have been unapproachable just decades ago, such as efficiently making millions of copies of DNA through PCR. In addition, I've learned about the general purposes and procedures of some labs, such as DNA fingerprinting and PCR, in school, but because of a lack of facility, it was impossible to actually do the labs. I will receive the change to learn new lab techniques that I wasn't even aware of before. For example, I know what DNA gel electrophoresis is but I didn't know the same concept could be applied to proteins as well! Therefore, this course will allow me to gain more lab experiences and expand my grasp of biotechnology.
I aim to major in biology-related fields in college and hope to participate in further research programs throughout my high school years. I plan on applying the knowledge and experience I obtain at ABI to other research opportunities. I am very interested in using genetically engineered bacteria to treat human diseases, including cancer, AIDS, diabetes, and obesity. I think that genetically engineered bacteria have very wide applications and potential in medicine. Genetically engineered bacteria can be more effective than other current treatment methods in that many species of bacteria have already evolved for millions of years to develop the best mechanisms to infect other organisms, such as ways to recognize specific types cells and fast reproduction rates. By taking advantage of these characteristics along side with manipulating their DNA, we could change an otherwise harmful or benign bacteria into something that could help cure various illnesses. Through the different labs, lectures, and field trips at ABI, I will be able to learn things, such as bacterial transformation, protein purification, and probably much more, that will be very helpful and crucial in carrying out my ideas of genetically engineering bacteria. I believe that this course will give me a good grounding in both practice and theory to help me to continue pursuing my passion of biotechnology in my future.
Thanks again! Do you think this is specific enough?
I believe that your current essay version truly shows the passion and interest that you intend on pursuing during the course of the summer program. There is a definite purpose for your aim to attend the program and you have given a simple background of your high school experience with science as well. I would have liked to have read about an epiphany moment between you and your science experience in high school in order to further heighten the impact of your essay but the information that you have in it right now should suffice. I understand that most high schools labs are not equipped with state of the art facilities and as such, could truly limit your potential as a learner. However, you made a solid enough reference to your high school exposure that makes it acceptable for this essay. The truly important part is how you plan on utilizing the summer program in immediate and future undertakings so you should be confident in the essay that you wrote. It is really a usable one at this point. In my opinion, you should not be afraid to submit this with your other application documents :-)
Thanks so much for your help! :)