[Hello! I would greatly appreciate some help on this essay! It's a subject that I'm very passionate about but I'm having a very difficult time executing properly (or at least it feels like it). I'd like to know if this essay actually fits and answers the prompt (because #1 is so broad), if I'm actually displaying a sense of growth, if I'm not really talking about myself enough, and any critiques/ideas that can help.]
From the age of 5 I have indulged in the vast realm of video games, escaping into worlds of wonder and limitless horizons. As I grew up and played games with a seemingly infinite variety of plots and lore, I eventually wondered why there could be so much diversity in the stories yet not in the characters that I played as. A vast majority of the roles I fulfilled when playing games were that of the straight white male. Instead of being written as multidimensional, complex, and human I saw female characters with great potential get lost in the background or worse: become objectified. From seeing female characters exterminated in order to advance the main male protagonist's story, to seeing them confined to the traditional role of the damsel in distress, and to playing fighting games that featured shots of female characters in unrealistically and scantily clad outfits for the player to ogle at, I had a difficult time connecting to a female character and finding a proper role model.
Once I became aware of this, I purposely sought games with female characters that were well written and portrayed. One female character that particularly impacted me was Miranda Lawson from the Mass Effect series. As a teenage girl, I viewed her as the epitome of the woman that I wanted to become in the future -- intelligent, capable, assertive, fearless, and skilled. But underneath her well composed surface, she struggled with the insecurities and doubts that she harbored with the knowledge that her father created her to be genetically perfect. She would tear herself down as she questioned whether she was all of those things due to the DNA that her father implemented in her, or because of her own skills. She struggled with the fact that she could not meet the expectations that were placed on her to be flawless, and I then realized that her character served to represent a woman in our society -- a society where women are expected to conceal their hardships, look and act without any imperfections, and achieve generally unattainable expectations. As I played through her journey, I saw her come to terms with her insecurities and flaws; the aspects of herself that made her human. I saw that the woman that I idolized was one with imperfections and mistakes and one who by the end of her journey, grew to accept and take pride in them while moving forward. This altered my perception as a teenage girl because I learned that despite my own flaws, I could still be all of the things that Miranda Lawson is. I learned to define myself rather than let myself be defined by others, something that I struggled with as I escaped from my anxiety to the world of video games.
The existence of well written and portrayed female characters has made me realize that presenting female characters like her- particularly for the girls who grew up admiring this extraordinary form of media such as myself - is vital and allows girls to be able to see themselves as women with stories to tell and journeys to lead. This discovery has influenced me to develop a passion for the narratives in video games and the influential characters that they can produce, and thus a desire to become a writer and activist in the industry, to ensure that more girls can grow up with a variety of empowering female role models. It has propelled me to write and create segments for my school's news on video games and female representation - for there is a misconception that video games are childish; that they are not a form of art and cannot influence or affect society's perceptions. If it were not for video games and the inspiring women like Miranda Lawson in them, I would not have found my purpose or learned to embrace myself as who I am.
Natalie, this is certainly an interesting essay answer. Unfortunately, you were not able to give us the essay prompt that you are trying to answer with this essay so I can't really judge if you are answering the prompt properly or not. Kindly post the prompt as soon as possible for a more accurate review coming from all of the participants here :-) To give you an overview of my comments though, I find that the essay does not center enough upon you. It deals too much with the video game representation of women instead which is the subject of a research paper and not a common app essay. However, we can probably spin your essay to better answer the prompt once we know what we are dealing with here. There are a number of interesting points that can be used as a take off point for answering the prompt. We can choose which one that will be as soon as the prompt is revealed :-)
Hi vangiespen!! Thank you so much for your kind and fast reply, it means the world to me right now haha. Here is the prompt:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Super grateful for any and all help, I definitely think I need to make it more about myself but I'm not too sure how.
I've learned the importance of embracing who I am from Miranda Lawson in the Mass Effect series...
This part definitely shows how much you know about these characters and it's really an interesting way to present that. I just found it a little bit too long... If you could make the sentences shorter it'll be easier to read in the parallel structure.
It really is a very interesting and nice essay to me though! :D
Natalie, now that I know the essay prompt, I believe that you should cut the discussion down to only one character and how it relates to your personality or interest in your field of study. Choose wisely and make sure that you choose the character that embodies all that you have learned from playing video games. You don't really need to discuss 3 female characters because that would end up making the essay too long and a bit confusing to read. By concentrating on only one character, you will be able to you fully develop your essay in such a way that your central identity will be fully developed and discussed. I cannot choose the character for you so I hope you can make the right choice by yourself :-) Please try to revise the essay based along those lines and then post it here so that we can help you with the clean up and polishing of the content :-)
Hi JQW, I'll take that into consideration and I can definitely see your point! I'll try and find a way to structure it better. ^^
Hi vangiespen! Should I rewrite the essay in a manner that it's one character throughout the entire essay? Because I'm afraid of it possibly not it answering the prompt since it's a background/story. Or should I just edit that part and talk about that one character and keep the first and third paragraphs? Thank you so much for your help!
Natalie, my advice, is that you should take the lessons you learned from the video game character Miranda Lawson because it seems like she had the most effect upon you. Then take those lessons and observations for application in your real life. Explain how the game characters seem to help feed the gender stereotyping of women in the eyes of men and how you came to realize that it has to end because you found yourself being treated similarly in real life. Yes, by all means, keep the first and third paragraphs. Those are the most important parts relating to you. We just need to fix the paragraph about the game character because that is the foundation for the development of your central identity. If you can revise that part and post it with the new version of the essay here, we can see how the new versions or what needs to be improved in order to make it flow better :-)
[Hi vangiespen! I'm finally back. I had a difficult time figuring out which character indeed affected me the most (you were right, though!) and along with the stress I've had, it took a bit of extra time to be able to post this. It's pretty late and my brain isn't working at its best, so it's probably a bit wonky here and there, but I wanted to post something so that I can receive some help.Thank you for your patience and help as always!]
Natalie, I think you have aced this essay :-) It comes across as highly informative about your passion for video games but went beyond that by showing how these games helped you develop an analytical personality that recognizes social and identity problems veiled within the world of video games as well. The fact that you drew something positive out of the experience shows that you know how to extract learning experiences from situations that people would not normally be able to identify or identify with. I would certainly consider this experience as one that helped you define who you are. Specially since it clearly helps the reader to understand how your mindset developed from the experience. I believe that the essay is ready to be used. If you are as confident as I am, then you should go ahead and use the essay already. Otherwise, we can work on it until you feel it is ready :-)
Vangiespen, thank you so much for all of your help! I showed it to my AP Literature teacher and he said that he loved it as well. I'm going to do some minor editing but I think I will definitely use it! I wouldn't have been able to know which direction to take with it without your tremendous help. Thank you so much and have a lovely day! ^^
