Here is my essay, i don't want to many grammar corrections, just comments on whether or not its any good.
Question: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I am a fencer. But it hasn't always been that way.
Ever since I started school, I have been considered, by myself and others, as the "nerdy kid." It's not too surprising that as the "nerdy kid," I have gotten good grades and have been among the highest achievers in my class. Far from being a jock, I was tall, lanky and awkward from numerous growth spurts. While most kids were getting bruises and scars from sports, I got stretch marks. Struggling to find my identity beyond being just a good student, I too looked to sports. I tried soccer, basketball, football and golf, and was awful at all of them.
Then, during my freshman year, being a fan of both swashbuckling and epic broadsword fights in the movies, I took a chance on fencing even though it is outside the arena of "normal" sports. It presented difficulties because fencing was not offered at my school and the nearest fencing club was an hour and a half away in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Nonetheless, eager to try, I started taking classes in foil. At first I felt clumsy because of fencing's many weird positions and stances. The fact that I was the "new guy" didn't help either, and I often felt all alone in a class of fifteen people. Undeterred and eager to learn more, I joined a competition class taught by Al Carter. Little did I know at the time that Coach Carter would have a bigger impact on my life than I could have ever predicted.
Coach Carter was different from any coach I had ever seen. With an intellectual approach to fencing, he taught concepts instead of actions and let us decide how best to incorporate these concepts into our own fencing style. I learned that fencing was more akin to chess than other sports, using traps and ploys to mislead and dominate your opponent, always thinking about your next move. I grasped fencing quickly and realized that my tall, lanky body in conjunction with my intellect is a very powerful combination for a fencer. Finally, I had found a sport where I could use my mind as well as my body.
In Coach Carter's class, I made friends with other students who were very much like me. Many were intelligent, "nerds" as some would call them, but people with whom I could truly relate. I also became friends with Coach Carter or, as I began to call him, just "Al." As we became closer, Al told me about his own struggles with fencing and his dedication to the sport as a child. I stopped seeing him as just a coach, and more as someone I could admire.
After only a few months of training with Al, I was ready to start competing in tournaments. Although I had a rough start, I quickly rose through the ranks and accomplished in only two years of competitive fencing what it took others seven years or more to achieve. When I started, every point, or touch, in my favor gave me joy. Then, as I progressed, the thrill of each touch and the excitement of winning instilled in me an even greater intensity and drive.
As time went on, many of the older, more experienced students began leaving my fencing class. After years in the background, I now found myself in a leadership and mentoring role, teaching new students alongside Al. I tried my hardest to make the new students better fencers by teaching them the same concepts I had learned from Al. But most of all, I wanted them to know they had a friend who would guide them, the kind of friend I wish I had when I started fencing, the kind of friend I found in Al.
I know I have become a better person because of fencing and Al's influence. I feel fortunate to have found Al and realize that he was just the right person for me at that moment in my life. I am now more confident, social and outgoing, as well as mentally sharp and strategic. By teaching the younger students as well as frequently being forced to study into the wee hours of the morning in order to strike a balance between my academic responsibilities and fencing, I've grown as a person. Even though I started fencing to simply find a sport I could enjoy, through fencing I have found friends, a true mentor, an amazing passion, and the drive within myself to compete and succeed. Now when I look in the mirror, it's not a hopeless nerd staring back, it's the fencer inside me that was waiting to appear.
By A. J. L. please dont copy
Good afternoon.
This post looks very good. Your introduction is catchy and the body of your essay stays on its topic. Your paragraphs are aptly detailed, well structured and organized, and they are linked by good transitions. The conclusion ties the essay up neatly, and the overall flow of the piece is smooth. Nice work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
