Hey guys can you guys please edit my essay for UT Austin, I am trying to transfer there. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you very much :D
The start of high school marked a new beginning for me. High school not only changed my educational view on life, but it also marked a beginning in a sport which dictated my life thus far, one which revolves around the idea of self-discipline and hard work. When I entered high school, I decided I wanted to be different, unique, and wanted to do something that most others would only dream of doing. Physical sports were my main forte; and as a result of this talent I decided to take a sport that would separate me from the rest of my peers: Fencing. Fencing is not a sport that one can perform half-heartedly; it requires ones total and utmost commitment. Every day after school I had to practice drills and exercises to keep me at the top of my game. As a result of this commitment I had developed skills that took most fencers many years to learn, in two years. Spending twenty hours per week training did have its draw backs though, taking up time I could have spent studying. Due to this commitment my grades fell a little, but I decided that the value of decline and hard work could carry me further in life then grades alone.
After fencing for three years, I was at a point in my career where I was winning constantly and moving up the ladder. This all came to a stop though, in one split second. I was fencing my last match that day, and was doing very well, keeping the score in my favor. As I went for the winning lunge, my right foot stumbled and I came crashing to the ground. I was on the top of my game, performing at the best of my abilities at one moment and the next I was on the ground clutching my right knee as if it was shot. The lunge I took, hyper extended my knee and twisted it, causing my LCL to sprain. This mishap marked my end in sports, and put me on crutches for 2 months along with a lifetime of physical therapy.
This injury put my life in perspective, showing me how every action I make has consequences. One decision, one moment, could change my life forever. This is when I realized that there is more to life then chasing money and success, but instead developing a passion for knowledge. Fencing helped me learn about discipline, and the injury helped me learn about my passions. UT Austin is a school that meets my need for pursuing knowledge.
This essay is a good start. But I will be critical here and say that this paper has a potential to be a phenomenal essay, but hasn't reached that point yet. To elucidate, you must present a strong topic and explore it from the first sentence. In this case, the central topic of your paper is how you meld fencing with academics. Don't start out explaining your high school life if this information is secondary. Begin the essay with something relevant and gripping like, "I could have never imagined that fencing could have anything to do with academics."
Next point: I do not advise you to present your essay chronologically. It's best that you don't explain every aspect of your life because it turns out to be a boring journal. Rather, pick out the most interesting moments and express what they meant to you, both academically and otherwise. You must maintain the interest of the reader, which you did not accomplish until the last bit of your essay, where you began to talk about the importance of fencing. Remember; you need to stand out, and relating fencing to academics is a great way to do it. That's why I said that this paper has potential because you have an interesting story to tell. But you must present it in a way that sustains the suspense.
Don't start out explaining your high school life if this information is secondary. Begin the essay with something relevant and gripping like, "I could have never imagined that fencing could have anything to do with academics."
Great advice by whoau :)
That's why I said that this paper has potential because you have an interesting story to tell. But you must present it in a way that sustains the suspense.
This is again very valid.... Your answer has great potential and it is indeed an interesting story. Pay attention to these advices and re-do it. We are awaiting your next draft :)
As stated above this essay has the potential to become a phenomenal essay. My advice would be to include a paragraph, or even a few more sentences that more specifically address how UT will serve your needs and further your education. Maybe there is a fencing group on campus, would you become involved as a trainer? That is just an example. Put yourself in an admission chairperson's shoes...aside from fencing how does this student contribute to the intellectual community on campus?
Good luck, I also am applying for transfer in the Fall.
