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'the field of biomedical engineering' - UPenn Supplement


wya7890 2 / 15  
Dec 28, 2011   #1
Hey there! The deadlines for practically everywhere are way too close for comfort, so thanks a bunch for taking time to read and (hopefully) critique this!

Prompt: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)

I am the queen of multitasking. It's true - I have been known to write an English essay, solve an Agatha Christie mystery, play Strauss' entire "An der schönen blauen Donau" on the piano, finish some thirty-odd review questions for next day's Physics test, design a psychology experiment for extra credit, darn three holey socks, watch two episodes of BBC's "Sherlock", and hand-wash the dishes all in one night. To facilitate multitasking with ease, my desk is haphazardly organized ("haphazardly" being the key word) into sections: the upper left is dedicated to my improvised writing utensil organizer, fashioned with two mugs, a metal case, string, and two small magnets. The upper middle is where my textbooks sit nicely in their upright stands, taking up as little room as possible. The bottom right holds a small pile of books. There is an empty space at the bottom left corner for my laptop - I'm left-handed. In addition, I believe there is no such thing as "procrastination" and as such, I have never hesitated to pursue other interests alongside my main attraction.

The main attraction in question is the field of biomedical engineering. I want to dedicate my time and effort to synthesize medical devices that will improve the field of medicine and the day-to-day lives of others. Just considering that, there are already several good reasons to attend Penn. One: a first-rate, academically rigorous biomedical engineering program, with the added bonus of the Ivy League stamp on it. Two: Penn's Global Biomedical Service program would allow me to gain valuable hands-on experience while improving patients' quality of life, and enjoy traveling as well. Three: just in case I should change my mind, the BSE and BAS programs are similar enough to facilitate a smooth transition. Four: Penn's variety of research opportunities, from iSURE to the various research centers scattered around campus, would keep my mind working year-round. Factor in my attraction to fields outside the realm of engineering, and Penn becomes even better suited to my psyche. I know and appreciate the value of multitasking - so Penn's emphasis on interdisciplinary education is exactly what I'm looking for. It's rare that virtually any class in any school is available to an undergrad the way it is at Penn - I can see myself going from calculus to cognitive neuroscience with great ease and convenience, since the buildings are all located in close proximity to each other.

What I can bring to Penn is not nearly as extensive as what Penn can bring to me. Sadly, a new building or a hefty research grant is beyond me. However, I believe that the most important contributions need not appear grand and impressive straight off the bat - an eagerness to learn, a quick and creative mind, appreciation for school spirit, and steadfast resilience against freezing winters are all attributes of mine that would uphold Penn's excellence, whether in general or in innovation (and year-round too, I might add). And perhaps, with time and a top-notch education at Penn, that new building might not be so out of reach.

So, that's my Penn supplement. Good? Bad? Please do tell me if that last sentence was too arrogant-sounding - what I was going for was cheeky, not egotistical. I notice I tend to come off as pretty arrogant in some of my writing - especially my IB app essay. I looked it over last night and wanted to slap myself really damn hard. It's a wonder I was accepted at all... Anyway, I'm having doubts as to keeping it, and I don't want to resort to eenie meenie minie moe, so your feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
sm09 1 / 17  
Dec 28, 2011   #2
I really like it. I think you might want to tone it down a bit in your conclusion as you stated because you already showed your character in the first paragraph when you talked about your accomplishments..etc.

Your transition to your second paragraph is not swift. It seems as if you just jump and start talking about something else. Since you also state that you want to do biomedical engineering, tell them why? has there been an experience in the past that made you want to do that. Maybe you volunteered at a biomed center or maybe you conducted several experiments at your school related to bio-med or maybe someone you really care about died of a heart disease and you hope on improving technology because of that. Talk about things like that. Make it personal(about why bio-med)!!!

If you have time could you please look over mine please.
admiraljes 2 / 14  
Dec 28, 2011   #3
Hey there, fellow Ivy applicant. I enjoyed your essay, but I feel that it's incoherent. You first start out with you're a multitasker... ok... Then you talk about your area of interest, which is definitely addressing the prompt. Then finally you talk about what you can exchange with Penn. All of these are good ideas, but I'd say you can integrate them. I know it's a little late for this (and I wish you would've posted sooner), but I'd suggest you rewrite this using a personal experience. What drove you to pursue this area? If there is a story that you can tell (a trip to the hospital, having a sick person in your family, or even a documentary), that would be great. But always keep in mind those ideas that you had: Penn's biomedical engineering quality (with Ivy stamp), Global Biomedical Service program, research facilities, etc. Make those crucial "good things" about Penn address the different areas of your experience to form a coherent (and very engaging) piece of writing. I hope you can take my advice into consideration. My friend was deferred, and on the off chance that we may be friends, I would love to see you be admitted.

Btw, if you have time, can you look over my common app essay? It'd be great if you can be honest (and maybe brutal) about mine too. Thanks!
Musicforleisure 3 / 33  
Dec 28, 2011   #4
Hi : D
I like your essay!
Here is my suggestion:

I have been known to write an English essay, solve an Agatha Christie mystery, play Strauss' entire "An der schönen blauen Donau" on the piano, finish some thirty-odd review questions for next day's Physics test, design a psychology experiment for extra credit, darn three holey socks, watch two episodes of BBC's "Sherlock", and hand-wash the dishes all in one night. To facilitate multitasking with ease, my desk is haphazardly organized ("haphazardly" being the key word) into sections: the upper left is dedicated to my improvised writing utensil organizer, fashioned with two mugs, a metal case, string, and two small magnets.

Maybe, semicolons should be inserted into this long list of things?

Umm.. and maybe you should add something/ explain more here: "Three: just in case I should change my mind, the BSE and BAS programs are similar enough to facilitate a smooth transition."

It may sound like you are hesitant?

And maybe you should relate your "multi-tasking" ability in the last paragraph? I think it will look a bit more complete if you mention more about multi-tasking since it appears at the beginning and in the middle of the essay

I hope this helps : )

Please take a look at my essay, too
thanks

and good luck!
lostboy10 - / 8  
Dec 28, 2011   #5
It is a good and interesting essay. However, I feel that you could further improve it by adding some information about a specific club at UPenn that intrigues you. Iy would show the admissions that you really did do your research and you have thought of a variety of aspects of the college that appeal to you.

I would also appreciate it if you could read over my common app essay.
Ravenclaw_roar 4 / 38  
Dec 28, 2011   #6
Hey! I really like your essay. I think that it's interesting. However, the transition from the 1st to 2nd para is a bit incoherent. I don't really get the jump from multi-tasking to biomed. Also, I think that you should show the adcoms what got you interested in biomed to make it more personal. And add in some clubs you would like to join so that adcoms can see what you're interested in beyond the classroom.

I really like your conclusion though! It has a strong personal voice and it's humorous at the same time.

Thanks for you help with my essay! =)
admiraljes 2 / 14  
Dec 28, 2011   #7
I was interested in reading your essay again, so I tapped in. And I gotta say, this is quite amazing. I'd say you did a terrific job in incorporating all your ideas into a story. Now it looks like you're almost made for Penn! I hope you'll get in!
lethalityKD 4 / 21  
Dec 28, 2011   #8
iSURE programs sound like exciting and therefore motivating ways to acquire knowledge

.

That's it. You will definitely WOW the AO's with this essay.

Good luck with UPenn!

Please check my essay too! :))


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