"Fifteen Seconds" Influential Person Essay - ApplyTexas Essay Topic A

I'm about to apply for college, and came across this website. It seems awesome.
This is my first time posting! Cut me some slack for not being able to figure out indentation!

Any feedback would be really great and really appreciated!

Fifteen Seconds

By Trevor B

He came through the front door, looked me in the eye and stuck out his hand. A firm handshake followed. Within those first fifteen seconds I knew that Craig was special. I gained immediate respect not only for him, but also from him. And it was within those first fifteen seconds that I built the foundation of a brotherhood with a man fifteen years older than me.

I found out that here was a man who played college football successfully, had a successful stretch in football radio broadcasting, and now was a dedicated husband, father and businessman. Craig would be my small group leader for the next seven years of my life, until high school graduation. Plunging into the lives of a group of rambunctious sixth graders at least once a week was no easy task. His natural leadership abilities were soon made clear as he sculpted us into young men who would be leaders for Christ. Little did I know at the time, but Craig's mission was to teach us to be leaders in an odd sort of waybeing a servant-leaderand using himself as an example to us.

Rather than just serving as another "wise adult mentor," he's been even more than that to me; he's been my friend. His advice, teachings, and personality got me through many challenges. Entering my sophomore year of high school, the negative transformation of many of my peers was rapidly increasing. So many people- so many of my friends- began to drink and party. I can say without question that I would have been one of those people had Craig not been a part of my life.

Because of Craig, I can stand up for what I believe and be a leader to others. Seven years of weekly Bible studies, random phone calls, and regular lunches just to check on me were examples of the mentoring he provided. Craig helped me to clearly see and understand Proverbs 27:17, which says "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Craig has sharpened me to grow up and be a better man, servant, leader, and Christian.

Because of Craig's friendship and leadership, I learned to focus on the value of being a servant-leader. As a result, I served at Brother Bill's Helping Hand volunteering in the poorest community in Dallas. I learned the importance of serving to help enrich the lives of less fortunate by helping at Brother Bill's as they teach, encourage and build relationships with others in need. I later took this a big step further by actually going out of my comfort zone (and geographic zone) by traveling to both Haiti and southern Africa to both serve these communities and to lead young kids who have not been given the opportunities that I have had.

I am a different man than I might have been if Craig had not been a part of my life. He taught me a lot, including the importance of living life as a servant-leader. I realize that many of the things that he taught me are the same core values and assets of being an Aggie: integrity, leadership, loyalty, respect, service, camaraderie, pride and passion. These are the attributes that I choose for my life and look forward to embracing them while I am at Texas A & M and beyond.

Hei Trevor! :D

Do not worry about the indentation, no one cares about it because I figured you just can't do it. So it's cool. Welcome to EF!

What you wrote is great, but it just won't do as an admissions essay. You need to impress the one reading it and at this point all I get to learn about you: you're faith is strong and you have discovered a role model. But what about you're future goals? What did you see in this man beyond his religion? Try to add some perspective to what you have now.

Also [I don't know how important this is], but since an essay should have around 500 words, I'd say you write a little more. That way you can improve a little the level of suspense. In such essays, it is better to strike the reader at the end. An introduction must be captivating, but you shouldn't go mellow afterwards. So, after editing, ask yourself whether or not this essay makes you think: "Wow, what a kid ..."

A short comment on your intro: I think the first sentence sounds kinda "chopped", it doesn't flow very well.

I'm not saying this isn't a "revealing-enough" piece of writing, I just believe you can do better. :) Make sure to post another draft when you're done.

Good luck!

Back when you edited "a girl needs help's " essay -- weren't your comments a little supercilious:

Overall, I'd say it's a good essay. However, I do have some suggested changes.
First, what does the title have to do with the story? This story did not take place in fifteen seconds. Sure, the handshake part at the beginning did, but that's only a tiny bit of the essay. If that's how you're going to title your story, you should make that part longer and more dramatic.

Also, this:


The "it" is grammatically necessary.


This probably happened when you pasted your essay in this forum, though.
Also, "using himself as an example to us" sounds a bit awkward. You could be more direct by saying: "being a servant-leader and role model to us."

To be completely honest with you, I disagree with the premise of that whole sentence. Being a servant-leader and using yourself as an example are not unusual ways of teaching a group of boys to be leaders. But it's your essay.

I think you should introduce the bible quote better. Was it your confirmation verse? Was it Craig's catchphrase? You need to give it some kind of importance other than what it says. It seems just randomly thrown in there.


I would delete "As a result" from the second sentence here. You already said "Because of," so it sounds redundant.

It's a well-written essay, though. Good luck at Texas A&M!