Im not a good writer at all. in fact, i am horrendous. im more of a math and science guy, so writing is not my best subject. i just wrote this essay today. i want everyone the criticise the hell out of it please. :)
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
Everyday I am surrounded by various people. They include teachers, students, and co-workers. Some of these people are my best friends; while others are just people I see everyday. Some of these people have made a lasting impact on me, while others have not. The figure who has had a foremost and perpetual impact on my life is also the person that I have known since I was born - my dad. He can be described as meticulous, persistent, and overall, devoted. Although we are not able to spend much time together, he always finds the time to show me how important I am in his life.
My father is undoubtedly the hardest working person I know. He stays active constantly, either by working at his job or finishing a home project. At times, he can work three jobs a day! However, he does not work for the money. Instead, he works because he enjoys it. Due to the long hours he spends working, our father-son time is sometimes cut short. He makes up for it after he gets home from work late in the evening. While I finish my physics or calculus homework, he will talk to me and ask me how life is going. This is important to me; it makes me realize how concerned he is.
My dad supports me in every aspect of my life. Whenever I make a decision, either right or wrong, he will give me constructive criticism. During grade school, he persuaded me to become involved in sports. He became the father that coached all of my athletic teams. Since then, soccer and baseball have become two of my biggest passions. . Even in high school, he can be found on the sidelines, cheering and encouraging me. Even though I am not the best player on the team, my dad supports me and is proud of me in every way. He told me that I do not have to be great at something to find enjoyment in it.
I shared many learning experiences with my dad. Whenever he is working on his old, sky-blue Chevy pickup, he points out and explains various parts on the engine. He taught me the best way to catch a fish while tailgating at the same time. We often spent hours in the back yard playing catch. He taught me the basics of how to pitch a baseball.
My father is the one who inspired my future education and careers goals as well. With my dad being in the Air Force, I was naturally exposed to all varieties of airplanes. From this exposure, I grew many passions - a passion for knowing how and what drives these marvels into the air, and a passion for reaching beyond what is imaginable. I someday hope to turn these passions into a profession. My dad expressed the importance of education in today's society. Without a proper education, my future career growth would be very limited. When I decided how wanted to pursue my potential education, such as attending the University of Texas, my father gave me the resources to better educate myself on this matter. He told me how much different it is from high school. When the time came to apply for colleges, he gave me advice for filling out college applications.
Many people probably say that their dad is the greatest, but mine really is. My dad taught me to be disciplined and to work hard for everything that I desire. He taught me ambition and optimism. In addition, he gave me the basic knowledge and tools that are required for any future success. My dad has prepared me for the future to the best of his ability. I cannot be any more thankful to him.
Well, if you insist:
M y dad. He can be portrayed asis stubborn, meticulous, persistent, supportive, and overall, devoted.
"Although our time spent together is often diminutive " You should use another word here. Diminutive refers to physical size.
"Many children probably say that their dad is the greatest . . ." Exactly. How do you expect this essay to stand out from all of the others? At the very least, you need to illustrate the points you make about your father with specific anecdotes that will interest the reader. At the moment, you are talking in far too general terms.
Overall, a fairly good essay. :] I'll try my best to clean up your sentences a bit. :)
Some of these people are my best friends, while others are merely nothing more than just people I see everyday. Some of these people have made a lasting impact on me, while others have not. Out of all these people,the one that has made the greatest impact on my life is the person that I have know since I was born- my dad.
He can be portrayed as stubborn, meticulous, persistent, supportive, and overall, devoted.
(Too many adjectives, I suggest cutting them down to 3 (use the power of 3 :]))
Although we are not able to spend much time together, he often finds the time to show me how important I am in his life. (I know that you might be trying to use more sophisticated words in your essay, but make sure to check the dictionary on the words you find in the thesaurus - e.g. diminuitive does not work in this context. :])
My father is undoubtedly the most hard working person that I know.
At times, he can work three jobs a day! However, he does not work for the money. Instead, he works because he enjoys it.(Remember not to use contractions. 'doesn't' --> does not)
Due to the long hours he spends working, our father-son time is sometimes cut short. He makes up for it after he gets home from work. While I finish my physics or calculus, he will talk to me and ask me how life is doing. This is important to me as it makes me realize how significant(concerned. maybe?) he is.
Whenever I make a decision, either right or wrong, he will give me constructive criticism.
He told me that I do not have to be great at something to find enjoyment in it.
My father is the one who inspired my future education and careers goals as well.
From this exposure, I grew many passions - a passion for knowing how and what drives these marvels into the air, and a passion for reaching beyond what is imaginable.
I someday hope to turn these passions into a profession.
My dad has taught me to be disciplined and to work hard for everything that I desire.
In addition, he gave me the basic knowledge and tools that are required for any future success.
I cannot be any more thankful to him.
Hope all this helps! You have the content, but just need to improve your sentence structures a bit. Good luck! :)
lol that is really bad.
What should i do to that first paragraph then to make up for the sentences being cut out?
Ill try to put more anecdotes into the body of the essay.
What else can i do to make it seem like a general "dad" essay?
Since then, soccer and baseball have become two of my biggest passions.
With my dad being in the Air Force, I was naturally exposed to all varieties of airplanes.
My dad expressed the importance of education in today's society. Without a proper education, my future career growth would be very limited.
I can be nothing less than thankful to him.
I agree with Sean in that you should add an anecdote or a favorite saying of your dads, to personalize the essay.
Good luck
:)
Do you think i should make the first paragraph about how dads are an important part of a childs life? I never did like the first paragraph. I was just having trouble starting it out.
I am going to add an anecdote the third paragraph make find a better conclusion
Is it bad mentioning the college in the paper i am writing??
I plan to add one more detail/example in the fourth paragraph. Is that too many?
In the second last paragraph, is bad to mention Texas in there?
This draft is much better than the original. It still tends to be a bit general, though. I notice you mention that you and he work on his Chevy together. Could you expand that into a narrative essay? So, describe in detail one of the times you were working on it together, and use that experience to illustrate all of your Dad's good qualities and how he influenced you? That would give you a unique, interesting essay that would stand out from the many others on this topic.
Everyday I am surrounded by various people.My days include interaction with teachers, students, and co-workers.
It is fine to mention Texas, and it is great to mention the name of the school to which you are applying! I like Sean's advice about describing a unique experience that presents you in a positive light.
How about cutting most of the first paragraph and combining it with the second, so it starts like this:
My father is undoubtedly the hardest working person I know. He can be described as meticulous, persistent, and overall, devoted. Although we are not able to spend much time together, he always finds the time to show me how important I am in his life. He stays active constantly, either...
If you start it that way, it will feel lively and rhythmic from the start.
Both are Great ideas!!
thanks guys
