Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4


'The Filipino paintings' - My UC application prompt #1


JRSeitz 2 / 4 3  
Nov 19, 2012   #1
Hey guys, I appreciate any help you can give me on the following prompt. Any advice/ corrections are welcome! I'll try to reply to anyone who helps me

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

A small city surrounded by three highways, farmland, multiple housing developments, and with an official city motto of "think inside the triangle", is hardly where one would expect to find an aspiring orthopedic surgeon. However, these conditions, along with the support of my family, my cultures, and my unique personal experiences, have shaped me into a responsible, determined, and knowledgeable student and leader.

Being a member of a family of nine has given me insight into my goals and aspirations, as well as learning what is necessary to reach them. As the second oldest of seven children, I have always had a certain high expectation of leadership, responsibility and service placed upon me. As an older sibling, my younger brothers and sisters look to me for guidance, service, and as a role model. Whether it be babysitting, helping with homework, or lending an extra hand around the house, I have learned the value in helping others and setting priorities. These expectations have also been present at school, where I participated in Key club, and on the soccer field, where I was JV captain, and a varsity player. These experiences have not only shaped the person I am today, but also the person I want to be in the future.

Around my house, the authentic Filipino paintings give a strong sense of my Filipino culture. My mother, who is the daughter of a U.S. Navy man from the Philippines, along with my father, have instilled in me an understanding of the value of diversity. In my travels through Europe, Canada, The United States, Latin America, and Asia, I have acquired a broad perspective of the many types of people in the world. My mother has always focused on the importance of relationships, while my father stressed a good work ethic and efficiency. Both have especially pushed for high level of achievement in both school and extracurricular activities. My father's career as a doctor has fueled my interest in science, and has taught me the hardships and joys of being a physician. With these high expectations, I have learned to manage time, be disciplined, and push myself to higher levels. As I strive to go into the medical field, my role in my family has made me realize that a career is not only about success, but about using the gifts I have been given, and the knowledge I have gained, to be used for the benefit of the less fortunate not only in my community, but in the world overall.
cback 1 / 22 6  
Nov 19, 2012   #2
While you've listed very nice accolades and achievements, not once in the essay do you mention something specific , and while I know your environment, I still don't know anything about you. I know it's going to sound weird, but you want to stop treating this as like a "job qualifications list" where you list all your achievements, and instead delve more in to your life, mention something specific. I see that you've been exposed to many different cultures, talk about one of your experiences in one of those continents! They already have your list of grades and awards and achievements that you mentioned earlier in your application, this is the time where they get to know you personally!

For example
These expectations have also been present at school, where I participated in Key club, and on the soccer field, where I was JV captain, and a varsity player. These experiences have not only shaped the person I am today, but also the person I want to be in the future.

While they tell me you were in Key Club and a captain and player of the soccer team, it doesn't tell me anything about you personally, so even though I read these two sentences about you, my thoughts on you are still at the same place as before.

"Around my house, the authentic Filipino paintings give a strong sense of my Filipino culture. " is one of the strongest sentences you have in the essay, I suggest to build more off of it, expand!

"A small city surrounded by three highways, farmland, multiple housing developments, and with an official city motto of "think inside the triangle", is hardly where one would expect to find an aspiring orthopedic surgeon. However, these conditions, along with the support of my family, my cultures, and my unique personal experiences, have shaped me into a responsible, determined, and knowledgeable student and leader "

Again, all of this sounds like filler, it's way too general! Your beginning sentence is alright, but use it to base the rest of that chunk. Go more in depth about "think inside the triangle", about your aspirations to become a surgeon.
M_Squared 3 / 8 1  
Nov 19, 2012   #3
Your essay is pretty good. The only thing I was confused about was the 1st sentence of your last paragraph. You mentioned the authentic Filipino paintings, but didnt talk about any paintings. Usually the 1st sentence of a paragraph is the topic sentence that brings meaning to the paragraph. I thought you were gonna expand more about the Filipino paintings in your house. Overall, good essay.

Can you critique my essay too?
OP JRSeitz 2 / 4 3  
Nov 20, 2012   #4
Thanks for the feedback, I'll definitely make some changes!


Home / Undergraduate / 'The Filipino paintings' - My UC application prompt #1
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳