Please help me to make this entrance essay to sound better and pleasing to the reader. Thank You. Prompt: Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you?
If Emory University was my older brother, I would look up to him. We would drink coke until the moon would rise, and we would continue to tell each other our personal adventures until our mother hushed us to bed. Once our mother was sound asleep, we would sneak out into the open world and discover life's treasures.
Emory would show me the great lessons that are needed to be learned from the open world and overall, teach me to be a better person. He would introduce me to the multiple features of a perfect Emory education, whether it is within the U.S. or across open seas. Although I would seek Emory as almost an older brother, I would truly observe him as a true mentor. After all, he can teach me whatever I wanted to learn.
Even if you are poor or rich, Emory provides true cultural diversity and allows the students to have the freedom to study in any particular area of interest. As a well rounded school, I believe that Emory would give me an excellent opportunity to study medicine. He would introduce me to his good friends the Emory Medical School and the Emory Hospital and allow me to catalyze my abilities with his buddies to become a great future physician.
As a soon-to-be undergraduate, I believe Emory is the best school for me. I feel a form of kinship with the school, and I know for certain that Emory will give me the best education in the nation. Who is to say that one day Emory and I will be true soul brothers?
Hey,
I like your comparision between Emory and Your brother.
Here are some of my advice. Hope these will help you.
1. Don't be too general ( Emory is the best school)
2. Just share an experience how you felt when you first learned about Emory.
3. Don't be like there is cultural diversity. make a story about cultural diversity.
For example,I went to visit Emory. I learned an interesting thing about one of the religion in Nepal.They pray God in the morning, sacrifice food for God and then eat breakfast. ( This is just an example).
I am trying to say that If you don't have a story try to make one that will be a hook.
4. Your ending is a bit confusing.
You have a good insight about the topic. If you try it will be better.
College, My New Home
Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you?
All my life, I have looked up to Emory University as an older brother. From Emory's excellent complexion to its mastery in education, I deem Emory as a spectacular match for me. Emory allows its students to succeed in any particular interest of study and allows them to not only experience an excellent domestic education but also allows its students to experience international breakthroughs for major educational development. With its custom of being a well rounded major liberal arts college, I believe that Emory's education would give me the abilities to expand my own talents in more broadening ways. Finally, I marvel Emory's abilities of giving its students an equal opportunity. When I see Emory's true character, I feel that the university will make me feel comfortable. With its incredible care and concern, I believe that Emory would truly be my new home.
wow, I like your closing sentence. That college is a home away from your home.
You have good thoughts about your topic. Hope kevin will edit it soon. By the way in my first comment maybe I said a lot of thing. If your essay is limited to some extent of words you can just share the main points.
Best of luck. =)
We would drink coke until the sun set on the horizon, and we would continue to tell each other our personal adventures until our mother hushed us to bed.
Whether you are poor or rich, Emory provides true cultural diversity and allows for the freedom to study in any particular area of interest.
Who is to say that one day Emory and I will not be true soul brothers?
Good luck!!!
Kevin
I was hoping if someone could rate my 2 essays. Thanks.
i like how you put your intro statement. you treated the univeristy like a real human being. but it seems kind of confusing that you say it is like your brother but yet it will be your home... maybe its just the wording. don't forget to make sure you show them yourself in your writing. I think they will be impressed that you have deep feeling about their college. your essay will turn out great! good luck
